[Atem has to just let his ears ring, through Ryou's description of what happened. He can't sink into it, can't let himself imagine what happened, or he'll be lost himself in how much it hurts to hear what it was like for Ryou to die.
It feels to Ryou like he's being criticized. And it feels to Atem like he's being asked for help with something that he can't do anything about, that he can't change. He and Ryou really do deal with this kind of thing differently, don't they? Atem's come back from his deaths with very little complaint. He offered a description up to a room full of monsters once, but aside from one instance in which he saw a way to make it useful, Atem moves on from them as fast as possible. He skims lightly over the surface so that what's happening to Ryou doesn't happen to him, so that he doesn't sink into how terrible it had been, into awful memories he can't change, and can focus on the next task, on solutions.
Ryou...doesnt want that, doesn't want nudges in the direction of what Atem thinks will help. It sounds to Ryou like he's being told his decisions are wrong (no, just not the most efficient).
Is he telling Ryou that Ryou is recovering wrong?
There's frustration, deep down in Atem's heart, that's not exactly fair, but that's tied to how he's got so much of his own that he feels he can't burden Ryou with, because Ryou has his own problems, problems that feel like they haven't so much as slowed down since June. Atem wants to tell Ryou about some of his own cares, about his worries about Yugi, but if Ryou isn't avoiding him, or not sleeping, or falling into vortices and losing limbs, or ending up burned, he's dying. Atem doesn't blame Ryou for any of those incidents, of course. None of them are his fault; they're the game catching him, a game Ryou never deserved to be forced into.
But it feels like he's spending all of time mending Ryou's bat-shattered playing piece with one hand and gluing his own up with the other. The beginning of September was okay, but being around Ryou had been the brightest source of happiness for a vampire fighting personal wars on ten different fronts, with at least half a dozen things that counted as top priorities (escape for yugi. protection for riley. revenge for steve. locating nagito. support for ryou. becoming a monster among monsters, for all of them.) Just about the only time he found himself relaxing anymore was when he and Ryou were together, so Atem didn't want to talk about anything sad.
Yugi's situation compounds it; there's so much Yugi doesn't understand, so much Atem can't tell him because it's too dark, too sad, there's no point, they're leaving anyway -- and with Yugi hungry, he's got his own problems without Atem adding to them.
Atem's Monster World piece isn't being smashed with a bat. It's being crushed in a pedestal-trap. And he can't tell the two people who matter most in the world how bad it is.
He needs Ryou, wants support from him; Ryou's not the only one Atem talks to, but Ryou's positioned to understand in a way not many others are. Ryou's his favorite. He wants Ryou to be doing better. He wants Ryou to put together I can help myself by seeing a doctor about dehydration so that maybe Atem can talk to him about how scared he is that he doesn't see a way to get Yugi past the feeding hurdle without breaking his heart, about how he's failing at what matters most to him and doesn't know how to get it right.
So, he might be telling Ryou he's doing it wrong, in a way. Atem's being unfair, and god but it stings to have to be the one who's recognizing that he's being unfair as his head is being bitten off for -- one mistake? One? In how long? After bringing in a friend to heal the worst of it, after doing all he could to keep Ryou calm, while listening to Ryou scream his way through a situation Atem hadn't magically predicted and forestalled? But he can't say that, not now, because it's Ryou's problems that they have to deal with, Ryou who's suffering. Because what Atem could do for him wasn't good enough.
(Metaphorically bitten off. Not a good metaphor to use right now.)
Atem shuts his eyes. For someone who doesn't want to be a burden, he thinks, unkindly, Ryou doesn't really get how to avoid situations where the people around him have to carry him.
No, that kind of thinking isn't helpful. He's got to be better.
Slowly, measured:]
I'm trying to help you come back. From a situation that I made worse for you.
[Up pop his choices.
> Try to help again and get your head bitten off some more (metaphorically) > Leave him alone, so he gets stuck in his own thoughts and the situation gets worse
What a set of options. But he's not ready to throw in the towel yet. When somebody's hurting, they aren't their best selves...it'd be pretty pathetic if he couldn't take this.]
I do get it. I know how frightening it is. How much it hurts. If what you want is to deal with that alone, then that's fine. But I had to deal with it alone the first time, and the second, and the third. If I had the choice, I wouldn't choose that.
It doesn't have to be me. But you should be with someone, right now. I want to be here for you, but only in a way you want. If you'll let me.
no subject
It feels to Ryou like he's being criticized. And it feels to Atem like he's being asked for help with something that he can't do anything about, that he can't change. He and Ryou really do deal with this kind of thing differently, don't they? Atem's come back from his deaths with very little complaint. He offered a description up to a room full of monsters once, but aside from one instance in which he saw a way to make it useful, Atem moves on from them as fast as possible. He skims lightly over the surface so that what's happening to Ryou doesn't happen to him, so that he doesn't sink into how terrible it had been, into awful memories he can't change, and can focus on the next task, on solutions.
Ryou...doesnt want that, doesn't want nudges in the direction of what Atem thinks will help. It sounds to Ryou like he's being told his decisions are wrong (no, just not the most efficient).
Is he telling Ryou that Ryou is recovering wrong?
There's frustration, deep down in Atem's heart, that's not exactly fair, but that's tied to how he's got so much of his own that he feels he can't burden Ryou with, because Ryou has his own problems, problems that feel like they haven't so much as slowed down since June. Atem wants to tell Ryou about some of his own cares, about his worries about Yugi, but if Ryou isn't avoiding him, or not sleeping, or falling into vortices and losing limbs, or ending up burned, he's dying. Atem doesn't blame Ryou for any of those incidents, of course. None of them are his fault; they're the game catching him, a game Ryou never deserved to be forced into.
But it feels like he's spending all of time mending Ryou's bat-shattered playing piece with one hand and gluing his own up with the other. The beginning of September was okay, but being around Ryou had been the brightest source of happiness for a vampire fighting personal wars on ten different fronts, with at least half a dozen things that counted as top priorities (escape for yugi. protection for riley. revenge for steve. locating nagito. support for ryou. becoming a monster among monsters, for all of them.) Just about the only time he found himself relaxing anymore was when he and Ryou were together, so Atem didn't want to talk about anything sad.
Yugi's situation compounds it; there's so much Yugi doesn't understand, so much Atem can't tell him because it's too dark, too sad, there's no point, they're leaving anyway -- and with Yugi hungry, he's got his own problems without Atem adding to them.
Atem's Monster World piece isn't being smashed with a bat. It's being crushed in a pedestal-trap. And he can't tell the two people who matter most in the world how bad it is.
He needs Ryou, wants support from him; Ryou's not the only one Atem talks to, but Ryou's positioned to understand in a way not many others are. Ryou's his favorite. He wants Ryou to be doing better. He wants Ryou to put together I can help myself by seeing a doctor about dehydration so that maybe Atem can talk to him about how scared he is that he doesn't see a way to get Yugi past the feeding hurdle without breaking his heart, about how he's failing at what matters most to him and doesn't know how to get it right.
So, he might be telling Ryou he's doing it wrong, in a way. Atem's being unfair, and god but it stings to have to be the one who's recognizing that he's being unfair as his head is being bitten off for -- one mistake? One? In how long? After bringing in a friend to heal the worst of it, after doing all he could to keep Ryou calm, while listening to Ryou scream his way through a situation Atem hadn't magically predicted and forestalled? But he can't say that, not now, because it's Ryou's problems that they have to deal with, Ryou who's suffering. Because what Atem could do for him wasn't good enough.
(Metaphorically bitten off. Not a good metaphor to use right now.)
Atem shuts his eyes. For someone who doesn't want to be a burden, he thinks, unkindly, Ryou doesn't really get how to avoid situations where the people around him have to carry him.
No, that kind of thinking isn't helpful. He's got to be better.
Slowly, measured:]
I'm trying to help you come back. From a situation that I made worse for you.
[Up pop his choices.
> Try to help again and get your head bitten off some more (metaphorically)
> Leave him alone, so he gets stuck in his own thoughts and the situation gets worse
What a set of options. But he's not ready to throw in the towel yet. When somebody's hurting, they aren't their best selves...it'd be pretty pathetic if he couldn't take this.]
I do get it. I know how frightening it is. How much it hurts. If what you want is to deal with that alone, then that's fine. But I had to deal with it alone the first time, and the second, and the third. If I had the choice, I wouldn't choose that.
It doesn't have to be me. But you should be with someone, right now. I want to be here for you, but only in a way you want. If you'll let me.