[Atem draws his knees up toward his chest again, resting them on the ground a few inches below the stoop, and crossing his arms on top of them. It's a self-protective gesture, betraying a worry about being exposed...a discomfort, but not enough discomfort to make him leave. There's still purple on his cheeks, but it's less of an angry flush, now -- it's softened.]
I...wouldn't be asking for this if I didn't want it. It feels like taking a risk...like I'm risking what I have, which I care about and don't want to lose, for a chance at something more. That's not a risk I like to take...it's not just my feelings at stake, but others', too -- people I love and care about.
I hate...hurting the people I care about. More than anything. And it's hard to justify risking it, when it's just for my own happiness...
...but I want to be with you, Nagito, enough to try. I know I was the one who said that just having you in my life, as a friend, would be enough...but I was wrong. I can live that way, if it's a choice between that and losing you, because your friendship matters to me just as much...but it's not what I want most. And "friends or nothing" aren't the only options.
[Thanks to Ryou. Thanks to Ryou's generosity, his willingness to try...and the trust he and Atem have rebuilt.]
I still don't know if it's possible...but it's worth it to me to find out if it is. It's like you said, your first day back...if there's reasons we can't be together, I don't want them to be nonexistent ones.
[They couldn't, back then. Atem couldn't. The situation with Ryou was too delicate, too precarious. Perhaps it had been arrogant to assume he had the whole situation figured out...but the middle of their crisis, the risk Ryou was about to take to get a priest's power, to prove he could act for himself and survive without Atem's controlling guidance and smothering protection, and the emotional wringer he was about to put himself through, really didn't seem like the right time to bring this up, to Atem. He couldn't see that going well, because the trust that was needed wasn't there.
But...they've worked so hard. Ryou's earned trust back, Atem's not as afraid anymore of what will happen if he's not taken care of, he's found his strength and can stand on his own...and Atem trusts Ryou's not going to pretend he's okay with something when it's actually hurting him. On the other side, Ryou's wiling to give Atem the trust that's needed, to do something like this...it couldn't have happened without that.]
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I...wouldn't be asking for this if I didn't want it. It feels like taking a risk...like I'm risking what I have, which I care about and don't want to lose, for a chance at something more. That's not a risk I like to take...it's not just my feelings at stake, but others', too -- people I love and care about.
I hate...hurting the people I care about. More than anything. And it's hard to justify risking it, when it's just for my own happiness...
...but I want to be with you, Nagito, enough to try. I know I was the one who said that just having you in my life, as a friend, would be enough...but I was wrong. I can live that way, if it's a choice between that and losing you, because your friendship matters to me just as much...but it's not what I want most. And "friends or nothing" aren't the only options.
[Thanks to Ryou. Thanks to Ryou's generosity, his willingness to try...and the trust he and Atem have rebuilt.]
I still don't know if it's possible...but it's worth it to me to find out if it is. It's like you said, your first day back...if there's reasons we can't be together, I don't want them to be nonexistent ones.
[They couldn't, back then. Atem couldn't. The situation with Ryou was too delicate, too precarious. Perhaps it had been arrogant to assume he had the whole situation figured out...but the middle of their crisis, the risk Ryou was about to take to get a priest's power, to prove he could act for himself and survive without Atem's controlling guidance and smothering protection, and the emotional wringer he was about to put himself through, really didn't seem like the right time to bring this up, to Atem. He couldn't see that going well, because the trust that was needed wasn't there.
But...they've worked so hard. Ryou's earned trust back, Atem's not as afraid anymore of what will happen if he's not taken care of, he's found his strength and can stand on his own...and Atem trusts Ryou's not going to pretend he's okay with something when it's actually hurting him. On the other side, Ryou's wiling to give Atem the trust that's needed, to do something like this...it couldn't have happened without that.]