[Okay. Now they're getting somewhere. Atem couldn't understand the hostility, and could only chalk it up to external factors...but he can understand the fear that it will all go wrong.]
...only Ryou can tell you what he's getting out of it. For me...I've been okay for a while with Ryou dating someone else. I'm not the kind of selfish guy who wants to date other people while keeping my boyfriend to myself...and, I'd be happy if he found someone more to love, who loves him. It'd be more happiness for him, you know? And seeing that would make me happy.
[It's the truth. He doesn't think Ryou has found anyone like that yet, but if he did...he'd be free to pursue it. And, Atem hopes...he hopes Ryou feels the same way about him, about him finding happiness, about adding to the happiness he already has with Ryou.]
I understand, though, being afraid of it all going wrong...
I understand it a lot.
Because that's how I felt, for a long time.
We were already so unpredictable even as acquaintances...and I knew I wasn't very good at being a boyfriend. I was sure I would hurt you somehow, or you would hurt me, or both...and anything tenuous we had would turn into hate. And, if I made a mistake, and Zacharov told you I was no good and you had to break up with me...what would that have done to us? To all of us, who were friends back then? What if it made us hate each other, and it was my fault?
[He shakes his head.]
There were too many ways it could go wrong, and I wasn't confident I could make it go right. So, I ran away.
[He goes back to sitting cross-legged, no longer aggressively leaning forward. He folds his hands in his lap and looks at them.]
But, it's like Ryou said...things are different now. I'm not afraid, anymore...I believe in myself. And in Ryou, and in you, and everyone else. If things start to go wrong, I trust us to talk about it, instead of getting caught up in fighting. And...
[He looks back up.]
...there's no guarantee any of us will be here tomorrow. We could disappear at any time...so, instead of being afraid of a future that might or might not happen, I want to live without regrets. I want to believe in a good outcome, not be so afraid of a bad one that it messes up the present, too.
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...only Ryou can tell you what he's getting out of it. For me...I've been okay for a while with Ryou dating someone else. I'm not the kind of selfish guy who wants to date other people while keeping my boyfriend to myself...and, I'd be happy if he found someone more to love, who loves him. It'd be more happiness for him, you know? And seeing that would make me happy.
[It's the truth. He doesn't think Ryou has found anyone like that yet, but if he did...he'd be free to pursue it. And, Atem hopes...he hopes Ryou feels the same way about him, about him finding happiness, about adding to the happiness he already has with Ryou.]
I understand, though, being afraid of it all going wrong...
I understand it a lot.
Because that's how I felt, for a long time.
We were already so unpredictable even as acquaintances...and I knew I wasn't very good at being a boyfriend. I was sure I would hurt you somehow, or you would hurt me, or both...and anything tenuous we had would turn into hate. And, if I made a mistake, and Zacharov told you I was no good and you had to break up with me...what would that have done to us? To all of us, who were friends back then? What if it made us hate each other, and it was my fault?
[He shakes his head.]
There were too many ways it could go wrong, and I wasn't confident I could make it go right. So, I ran away.
[He goes back to sitting cross-legged, no longer aggressively leaning forward. He folds his hands in his lap and looks at them.]
But, it's like Ryou said...things are different now. I'm not afraid, anymore...I believe in myself. And in Ryou, and in you, and everyone else. If things start to go wrong, I trust us to talk about it, instead of getting caught up in fighting. And...
[He looks back up.]
...there's no guarantee any of us will be here tomorrow. We could disappear at any time...so, instead of being afraid of a future that might or might not happen, I want to live without regrets. I want to believe in a good outcome, not be so afraid of a bad one that it messes up the present, too.