softspokenlandlord | IC Inbox

[At first, there's only sounds of quiet, muffled crying, from under the minotaur arms. The touch isn't recoiled from.

But, there's a low, pained moan, as Atem realizes what Ryou is doing -- what's happening.]

Noooooooooo...

[It's unsteady, as unsteady as Atem's next words.]

Nooooo, this is what happens, when we both need help...

...when there's something [With the state of his nose, it sounds like "subthig".] you aren't talking about, so you can help meeeee...

[Another sniff, at the end of that little wail.]

...and you'll be mad about it later.

[Ryou listens and...rather than tighten his grip or try to offer some reassurance, he sighs in frustration.]

Atem, just shut up. Shut up for once in your life, cope with your emotions, and let me help you. This is what it means to be in a relationship. It means...sometimes you have to get through the hard parts for someone you care about.

Me caring about you...doesn't mean we're done talking about this forever.

[And yet, Ryou does allow himself to nose more firmly into Atem's hair. It's a little selfish, but if that's what his whining, accusatory boyfriend has decided to force him into, then so be it.]

Just...stop looking for trouble...

[Atem feels a vague sense, through the whirlpool of feeling he's caught in, of wanting to argue it -- there are things he could say, should say.

He thinks of the time when he came back from the dead -- and Ryou had had his emotions deadened, and wasn't eating. His feelings about his own death, and coming back, had to be put aside -- and he hadn't complained.

But, Ryou had thrown it in his face that he'd put his own death aside and had gone to look for Atem, that he hadn't had a chance to process his own death then, or when Ryou's body had been dehydrated, because Atem's feelings about both incidents had been in the way.

Atem hadn't thought about how Ryou was feeling when he'd dehydrated Ryou's body last September, and coming back had been painful. That had been a mistake.

He'd tried to make up for it, by allowing Ryou the space to feel, in Felfri, and not letting his own emotions interfere. But, now, Ryou's telling him, this is what it means to be in a relationship, as if he knows --

-- as though Ryou won't resent him for it.

He knows he was the one to hurt Ryou, that all of this is his fault, and that he's the one falling to pieces on an evil-alternate-dimension kitchen table. It's not fair, and it's worth resenting, he's slipped completely out of his own control and can't reach it to get it back, yet. But the weight and warmth and nosing into his hair is heartbreakingly comforting, like a warm bath, and it just makes him fold his arms in front of him, press his face into them, and cry harder.

He doesn't want Ryou to resent him, for accepting help. They'll have to talk...they have a lot to talk about. But Atem can't talk now, his throat's closed up, and his voice won't work. He's too upset to talk, so, he does shut up -- he leans, instead, back against Ryou, pressing his side against Ryou's like an animal that's cold, or lonely.]

[Despite his frustrations...Ryou wonders for a moment whether he's been too cruel in saying what he just did. Then, Atem leans back into him and he decides that for the moment, it might just be worth it to not to complicate things on his end either.

So, he tells his own mind to shut the fuck up and holds Atem with a fierceness that reminds him that honestly...they're both fucked up here, but he can't stop loving Atem just because of it.

They'll talk...later. Now, he wants to be of some comfort to his love, and to pretend that there's nothing to talk about.]

[He presses into Ryou's side, and, before he's done, Atem ends up with his face in Ryou's chest, fingers wound in his shirt.

He's got too many feelings, good and bad, and it's going to take his body and brain time to sort through them. Right now, he's a pot that's boiling over -- but, Ryou holding him, means that eventually, he'll slow down, and start gulping for breath, hyperventilating, trying to breathe at a normal rate and failing. He's dizzy, thanks to the overabundance of oxygen in his too-alive bloodstream; he's clinging to Ryou's clothes, his horns pressing against Ryou's shoulder in a way that comforts, the pressure helps, and when he can maybe form a word or two again, he doesn't say, you shouldn't be comforting me, it was my fault.]

We--

[Breathless, short.]

We have -- a-a lot to -- t-talk about--

[he's clearly in no state to do it. But, at least, he seems to want to work on them, instead of closing the door on it as something he can't, or shouldn't, have.]

[As Atem adjusts in his hold, Ryou does the same, running a hand along his back comfortingly. It's the best he can do, to let Atem cry for now. It hurts to see him in such a state, but...Ryou doesn't want to take that emotional response from him.

Though, when Atem finally forces out those words, he does nod gently, and pull away slightly.]

I know. We will...I promise.

[A hand moves up to gently cup the back of Atem's head, threading clawed fingers into his short hair for a moment.]

Talking seems a bit hard now, though. I think the first thing we ought to do is get you cleaned up...right? Then...maybe you can lay down for a little bit. How does that sound?

[Experimentally, Ryou tries to shift back, to pull away so he can maybe sneak away and get a damp cloth to dab Atem's face clean. But, if Atem doesn't let him go, he'll change his plans around.]

[He nods, mutely, accepting that and agreeing to it.

He pulls back enough to get a cloth kerchief out of a pocket -- as useful as a multitool, for crying, spills, injuries -- and will turn away, to start drying his face, and clearing his nose. Ryou can certainly slip off for a warm wet cloth -- it'll be soothing and appreciated, and it'll give him a chance to blow his nose in semi-privacy.]

[Good. At least Atem's being compliant enough there. Ryou does indeed slip away for a few moments, shuffling around in a nook so small it could barely qualify as a kitchen and returning with a cloth of his own, appropriately warmed and damp.

It's easier than it really should be, to go with the flow of it all and clean up Atem's face with a soft touch. Ryou's had time on his own to think...so maybe that's what really matters in this case. Maybe that's why it's easier to fall into taking care of Atem.

Seeking a little less of a serious topic, Ryou awkwardly murmurs a question.]

So, um...how has Tybolt been...?

[He quietly submits to the care -- it's soothing, it always is, to let someone else clean his face or hair. Atem never feels entitled to it, but being put in order by someone trusted has a pretty high chance of putting him at ease. His breathing finally, properly slows down, and the warmth helps clear his nose and sinuses.

Crying is terrible. He never wants to do it again. If he were a shade, he would never spend the energy trying to make a body as realistic as possible, just so that he would never have to deal with a stuffy nose and puffy face.]

Um...

[Ryou asks him that question, and Atem draws a deep breath. His voice is still a little funny, but mostly steady, and he's able to answer the question.]

...he's been okay. I've been staying at Hill House...I think he likes the grass.

Ah...well, I'm glad that he was safe.

...You too, of course, but...he's just a baby. I wouldn't have wanted him to come to harm during what happened.

[Given their interaction when Ryou was half-crazed from the red haze, it probably didn't seem like it to Atem. But...Ryou had truly been trying not to harm him or Tybolt, as best he could in a situation that was meant to make him attack without holding back.

He didn't want to hurt Tybolt...and deep down, he really didn't want to hurt Atem either, did he?

Ryou lingers on Atem's left cheek, and he can't help but look into his eyes with a nonetheless faraway expression.]

T...though if Tybolt likes the grass, maybe we could figure something out for him. Something...better.

[He gives a nod, at "safe." Tybolt was okay. Ryou hadn't attacked them...they hadn't had to fight. Something about that prickles at the back of Atem's mind, but he's not sure what it means, and he's too exhausted to run more than one thought track at once right now, so it's filed away to be examined later. What's odd about how Ryou and I met last week? Right now, he has to think about what Ryou's suggesting.]

...do you mean....moving?

[Atem had been prepared to move out, and that's the honest truth. He'd been ready to live at Hill House, removed and insulated from the events that affect Bavan, rather than specifically monsters, and plot Armageddon.

He...

...can't argue that he's so attached to the 38-8 that he wouldn't be willing to move somewhere better. Between interpersonal difficulties, moves away, and disappearances, the 8th floor isn't the home it used to be. And, though they put a lot of work into the apartment, it's not anything they couldn't do somewhere else, with a yard, or a garden. His eyes flick up to Ryou's, and then away.]

...I have to admit, it was nice to see him enjoy having more space. We...could probably do better, for him, than a small life in a small apartment.

Mmh...maybe. He's a lion...kind of a lazy one, but maybe he'd like it in a more natural environment than what the apartment offers. It's like you said, he enjoyed his time...at Hill House.

[Once Ryou's satisfied that he can't get Atem's face any cleaner, he nods to himself, then reaches a hand out, offering it to Atem.]

Come...my bed probably isn't as fancy as yours, I didn't ask for Her to give me such a home here, but...it should be comfortable.

[Comfortable enough, at least. They can't stay at this table forever...and Ryou's worn out, though not from crying like Atem. His tiredness is in having to deal with what all of this means, or doesn't mean, or might mean...and adding moving onto it just made it a little heavier.

Kind of...

Moving...is it really so bad? He has to really wonder.]

[Maybe. Maybe, they can...move out of the apartment, and...into a different stage of their lives. They made a lot of mistakes in that apartment, and suffered a lot of pain, but also learned a lot...

...so, maybe, in a new house, they can make the changes they need to make, to...work. To work, after they've both been shattered and shattered again, with new cracks to be mindful of, and new weak points, that they didn't have, before.

(How much longer can they survive, at this rate.....?)

But, instead of ruminating on that upsetting question, Atem takes Ryou's hand, small nearly-human fingers in overlarge monstrous ones, and gets to his feet.

He'll follow Ryou to bed, trying not to get too lost in his own thoughts. They are, right now, still alive, and still able to think, and be recognizably themselves; they're not ground to dust yet. Worrying about the future, if they'll be dust one day, just takes away from the time they have right now, before that happens...so, he's going to put that aside. He squeezes Ryou's hand a little tighter, letting the sensation keep him in the present. He needs to be in the present.]

[It's sometimes very sobering, to have Atem's hand in his own. So small...so easy and light to hold.

But Ryou doesn't feel as if he needs to be careful. Even as he leads Atem onward, he keeps a grip that's reasonably firm, but still comfortable for them both. Distantly, he thinks to himself that he's not going to let go so easily, even if...it's painful.

It's not right, to give up so easily. It means everything he's ever invested in this relationship meant nothing, right? He can't do that...

Once they get to Ryou's bed, Ryou lets Atem get comfortable, however he likes, and depending on whether it feels right, he'll crawl in himself before Atem has a chance to doze off, but he doesn't gravitate towards Atem immediately.

...Regardless, Ryou ends up in bed as well, and somehow ends up curled away from Atem not because he wants distance, but because he's used to being the little spoon when they sleep together which is honestly hilarious given how tall he is. It's an unwritten invitation, though he can't really control his tail curling around one of Atem's legs. Tail's got a mind of its own.

Ryou is not gonna be the first one up. Dyster is too comfortable, and being in bed with someone again is equally comfortable to someone who is chronically lonely when left to his own devices. When he feels Atem shift though...he'll stir.]

[Atem absolutely looked directly at him, if Ryou hesitated over getting into bed, with a look that said, what are you doing? get in.

And honestly, if Ryou hadn't kept away initially, Atem would have gotten closer, slithered into arms, seeking out warmth in Dyster's foggy clamminess as well as emotional closeness, because the last 24 hours on the heels of the last two weeks on the heels of the last two and a half months have left his heart and soul raw. When Ryou turns away, though, Atem's willing to accept it, he inflicted the hurt here, no matter what the difficulty he was going through was...

...until the tail curls around his leg, and, after only a moment more of hesitation, Atem curls up against Ryou's back. His arms don't go around, they stay tight to his chest, but his front presses in, and eventually, hands grip Ryou's shirt lightly.

He sleeps restlessly -- he'll wake up several times, sit in the dark staring at Ryou's back for ten or fifteen minutes, then drift off again. It'll be easy to tell when Atem's asleep, though: this temp half-snores, his breaths softly audible when he's asleep without being a full honking snore.

...it also usually has him sleep sprawled out, relaxed and comfortable and a little messy, but he stays curled in and compact all night.

He wakes up a final time, and judges himself rested enough, if imperfectly. He's quiet a minute, thinking things over, then quietly speaks up, because he suspects...]

You're awake...?

Mmh...yes.

[Ryou still sounds a little groggy, but...he's been awake for a little while. So he turns to face Atem, and his eyes with their blank irises and pupils courtesy of the Fog give away his uncertainty.]

Did you sleep alright...?

[...he doesn't want to lie about something so trivial.]

Mm...

...I think...I'm still getting used to all of this. I haven't...sorted it out yet.

[To use some slang that he's picked up since coming here:]

It's a lot.

So, I'm restless...

That makes sense...

[Ryou reaches a hand out, the backs of his fingers ghosting along Atem's cheek.]

It's going to take more than a nap to sort any of this out. But we have time. We know the schedule to this place, and nothing's going to happen for a while. So...if you want to talk, or wait, either is fine with me.

I'll listen. I'll do what I can to help, too.

[Ryou thinks to himself, but I won't hold back like I used to.

He can't hold back. It would be wrong, and untrue to himself.]

[He lowers his eyes. He's not sure...he's not sure he's ready. He's not sure he's up to...talking about why he was hurt, yet.

Which reminds him...]

Are you sure...

If there's something you need right now, and you're ignoring it for me...

...will it bother you later? That you didn't get the time you needed, because of me.

...I know you might think that. Because...I've been angry before.

[Ryou just out and says it. Because he's not stupid, and they've had spats about this kind of thing before.]

You know...things back home weren't normal, but this place, it's even less normal. Here, the things that happen are worse than even being possessed and made to commit atrocities, because here I have to commit them personally. And here, it's just me.

I don't have a partner anymore, not that he was a good one.

When bad things happen...I feel them, and I can't run away. No one can. And sometimes that means that whenever something bad happens that's too much to bear, I make mistakes in how I handle them.

[Ryou shifts awkwardly, averting his gaze.]

And this probably all sounds like too much to say just to arrive at a point but...the point is, no.

It won't bother me later, as long as we talk about it eventually. I don't want to be angry. I want to understand, and be understood.

[The hand that had touched Atem's cheek before settles around his shoulders.]

Is that enough?

...it's hard...

...

...it's hard to talk about.

[He looks up.]

I'm...afraid.

I've been afraid, for a long time. I've been afraid of losing you, to those bad things you can't run away from...because they hurt you, and change you. I can't protect you from them. If you slip away from me, I won't be able to stop it...

I suppose...I have to accept that. Stop fighting for it so hard. Because, even if it wasn't entirely meaningless, it's still true that I've responded to threats to you in ways that aren't good for anyone. I thought that if I played along with Ryslig, I...

[He trails off, shaking his head. Those thoughts are useless, now.]

...I should have known a fly can't negotiate with a spider.

[The spider probably just thinks it's funny, watching the fly go, bringing in other flies, laughing at the idea of shielding one fly from what's coming.]

All I can do is hope for time...that neither of us is crushed into dust too soon.

That's not all though...what you've done, it's been to empower yourself, too. And it was right to do that. You have suffered, Atem.

You've dealt with things that would make a newer monster's skin crawl.

[Ryou tries not to be specific. He doesn't want to put Atem in a pit, remembering the pain and the struggling. But he wants to make sure that Atem knows...that Ryou doesn't forget what's important, and what hurts.]

But...you haven't lost me. I promise. I don't want to lose you, Atem. I've shared so much of my heart with you, given you my trust and my love. I...I don't want it to go back to zero yet.

[The arm wrapped around Atem pulls him closer, and Ryou buries his face into Atem's shoulder. It was probably noticeable, the break in his voice when he said that.]

I want to change for the better, to keep growing on my own, so that you don't have to feel this way. But...for me too. You can't keep trying to win the game for me. Y-you can't. Please...I can't bear to lose you...

[Ryou meant to stay strong, but he's imperfect, and his heart hurts from how Atem had seemingly discarded him up until this point. So...there's only so much he can do at this point, other than speak as much truth as he can.]

[Atem lets himself be pulled in, and when he feels Ryou put his face in his shoulder, Atem's arms, finally, wrap around Ryou back.

Is Ryou really back in his arms....? It doesn't feel quite like it can be trusted to be real, after the two weeks of being very, very sure that he would never go back to this, because he was very, very sure it would only bring pain.

Ryou says he wants to get stronger, for himself. He says Atem shouldn't keep playing the game for him, and that's right...but will Ryou succeed, in the face of Ryslig, if Atem stops using their held hands to try to pull him up...?

His fear says no. he's doomed if you don't. but if you do, it doesn't work. there's no way forward that isn't suffering. break the world open, so that no one has to suffer anymore.

That feels more real than Ryou does in his arms. Ryou being able to deliver on this feels like false hope -- like a lie.

But...

...there isn't a reason to believe it's impossible, anymore. Ryou is unlucky, and certainly the victim of excessive cruelty, since chance in Ryslig doesn't exist....

...but, it doesn't mean his progress is back to zero.

There's reasons to believe...that Ryou can, and will, end up okay. Stay himself. Isn't a lost cause that Atem, half-drowned and losing mental stability fast himself, will kill himself and others trying to keep afloat. He has to let go one way or another, and the anchor he thought was there...isn't the shape he thought it was.

It's not hope. Just...an admission that it's not impossible.

Just enough of a reason to keep going.

His arms tighten around Ryou. ]

Right. Yes. I can't. I've found my limits, here...what I can do...

[it's never enough. but he has to live with that.]

It's not enough to protect...me, from feeling this way. It has to be you. I'll...I'm going to do my best, to...be here, for you, without...taking over.

[It's scary. He's been though a lot of additional pain he couldn't help taking on, because he cared about Ryou. But...if he's going to let go, there are just enough reasons to believe Ryou won't sink for him to stay close, instead of turning away before he has to watch a loved one drown.]

[Ryou wishes, selfishly, that Atem would comfort him, and tell him something kind...but he knows that Atem is hurting, just as much as he is. So, he derives solace from the fact that they're together again, close and warm and bound together, not apart.

He had expected this to be their true, permanent breakup. He thought it was really over, and maybe it says something about how screwed up his priorities are, that he wants to give himself to Atem through it all.

They're put here to suffer, of course. But this...their relationship, is a subversion. Ryou refuses to believe that it's anything but. He won't let this place take it from him, not after everything else its taken, and will continue to take.

Ryou's not sure when he started to cry, in the midst of all this, but his tears aren't so noticeable at first. A bit of moisture against Atem's shoulder, hardly noticeable at first.

It's only when he speaks again that it becomes most apparent.]

G-good, I...I want you to be able to live your life here, without sacrificing it to mine. I want your support...but I d-don't think...it's good when you do everything...

[It's a big step from their date while Ryou was a werewolf, where he'd been so thoroughly embarrassed by the waitress that he'd basically submitted to Atem throughout the entire date. Not just then, either. He'd submitted the whole month, and given in to appeasement behaviors that had been unhealthy to exhibit.

He can't do that again.]

You are important. But...I-I'm important too. My feelings...matter. My choices...they're mine to make...

[It's said quietly, with Ryou's voice so thick with emotion that he very nearly can't push the words out. It's not for Atem that he says it, not exclusively.

He says it for himself as well.]

[Atem will never say it, but he doesn't believe their relationship is a subversion of what Ryslig wants.

He knows the secret behind the coins, now.

The coins are to incentivize opening avenues for you to be hurt, by bonding with others.

It's a balancing act, isn't it...? Drawing comfort and support from others, to keep you from being entirely hopeless, on the non-Fog days...and then, suffering along with them, for them, from watching them, when the Fog comes in.

But maybe he's not the only one doing a balancing act. He's had duplicate memories before, known that two impossible things have both happened. And, if their relationship is something Ryslig wants to remain in place...

...that train of thought is shelved immediately when he feels moisture on his shoulder. Atem holds Ryou tighter, as he tries to talk...as he asserts that his choices are important, too.]

Yes. Even if I want to protect you...even if it's hard to accept it, that I can't...it would be wrong to take your choices away, in any case. I won't.

[Ryou has to choose what he wants. He has the right. And, they both have to live with the consequences, however they shake out...it's frightening, but it's the reality Atem has to accept.

Even if a very real part of him wants to retreat, and cut off everyone he knows, and dull the pain of his awareness of what they're going through however he has to, until his time here is over.]

IC Inbox | ryslig

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cw reference to medical horror

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cw anxiety, but not an anxiety attack. anxiety, in defense mode.

it's time to t-t-t-t-t-t-timeskip. god i should be sleeping.

sleep!!!

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cw unreality, drowning metaphor

AFTER 84 YEARS...

cw mention of substance use

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 * WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard>** I will get back to you as soon as possible.