softspokenlandlord | IC Inbox

[Something's terribly wrong.

He lets Ryou lean into the touch, stroking his face gently with his thumb and the tips of his fingers as he talks. Shh, relax that jaw.]

Ryou, do you remember what you told me in June, about how this place smashes us up, and we have to put ourselves together again?

You've been hit hard this time. In a way you haven't been hurt before. I promised I'd help put you back together, before the next attack came. We were going to support each other, remember?

[They were. Ryou was there for him, when Atem got caught unexpectedly by a snake-shed. That had helped a lot...that had mattered. But, now, Atem's facing what Yugi's going to have to do, something he dreads so much that he'd take going home at the moment of his own death and never seeing Anzu or Jounouchi or Honda again over forcing Yugi to take someone else's soul, and Ryou's too upset by something else to hear about it. Atem can't talk about how he feels about his own permanent death and whether or not he wants to go through with it, eirher, because Ryou's been hurt so badly that he won't eat. Ryou isn't comforting himself, which means he has to be helped, so that whatever meter drove Javert and Daniel and maybe even Fabius to what they did doesn't run out for Ryou, too.

Atem can keep going a while longer.]

Please, will you tell me what's on your mind? Whatever it is, I'll understand.

...It's always me, isn't it? Don't you get tired...? You're always supporting me, Atem.

[Ryou closes his eyes, and he stays silent for a long moment after he says that. He has to think about what he's going to say. Atem is asking something of him that he can't give. He doesn't want the good and the bad to mix ever again, but if he closes Atem out, then...it's just as bad.

He hates this. He absolutely hates how something as stupid as an idiot shade's stomach growling could give this much away. Ryou really doesn't know how to take care of himself. He's leaned so hard on Atem that now they're back here, at the game metaphor he'd used months ago.

Ryou will never be better. He'll never be able to support Atem like he is himself being supported.

So...for Atem, he compromises. He owes him that much.]

You saw a great many things while we were children, didn't you. Terrible, awful things. About Marik, and about...me. Atem, I don't want to think about those things. They make me sad. I don't want to eat because I'm...sad about these things. My role in what has happened to me is upsetting, and I don't feel like indulging when I'm upset.

[It's a fair compromise. He's not telling a lie...but he's not telling the whole truth.]

I love you, and I don't want to put more on you. You're...already doing so much. When you come home, I want you to be able to come into my arms and feel secure in the fact that you can rest. So please, don't worry about me. I've already told you, all these things will pass.

Let me be of comfort. Don't let me be another puzzle you have to solve.

[He has no idea what Atem's thinking. He doesn't even know if saying this will help. It's couched in him trying to minimize how he feels...but also in trying to set Atem's mind at ease...]

[Ryou's eyes close, and Atem lets some of what he's feeling show on his face. His eyes twitch closed, squeeze shut, and his mouth presses together tightly. It's just for a moment, but -- it hurts to hear it said. Don't you get tired?

He does.

But what can he say, that's going to help...?]

...I love you, too.

[He kisses the corner of Ryou's mouth.]

And you are comforting. I never feel better than I do when I'm with you. It's the nicest feeling in the world...

...but when you don't take care of yourself, I'm going to worry about you!

[He gets a firmer grip on the side of Ryou's face, brings their foreheads together.]

You're too important to me to lose. I'll solve you if I have to, if that's what it takes -- if you're too hurt to solve yourself, then I'll be there. I saw what happened in your past. I know what happened to you was terrible. But why are those memories making you hurt yourself?

[His mouth's running, a little bit. His control over what will help? is slipping.]

Don't you know that you're a part of my heart? That when you get hurt, it hurts me, too?

[Ryou doesn't want to look at Atem, but he has to open his eyes and look at him when he's pulled closer and their foreheads are touching, because a little of that terrible pressure is relieved when Atem says "I love you, too."

Atem is such a sweet person around him. And Ryou knows that it is for him, because he's seen the way Atem acts on the network, seen the facade he puts up in public when it comes to dealing with dangerous people.

With little warning at all, Ryou wraps both arms around Atem, holding him tightly. He's a precious part of Ryou's life who is putting far too much of himself into it.

He hates himself intensely when he finally speaks again.]

When I'm alone there's nothing but cold and dark inside. It isn't physical, but it still frightens me. I forgot to take care of myself over it. Then I realized that one emptiness relieves another. When I'm hungry, it's distracting, and then I can worry about something different.

So...it's okay! It's alright!

[If it's so okay, then why are his fingers curling in, gripping at Atem's shirt as if he doesn't want to let go? Why are his ears angled down, and his pointed teeth worrying the inside of his cheek?]

I don't want you to solve this puzzle. I have to...I have to do it myself! You're not my keeper, Atem. You're my boyfriend! I can't hurt you for making the only move you can, not again. You're the most important part of my life. D-do you understand?

[And there it is. In so many jumbled words, the problem was "I never want to fight with you again. I never want to be ungrateful."]

[Oh, no. Ryou...Ryou sure has a particularly bad reaction to death, dosn't he? Atem's been through it so many times that all it takes for him to bounce back is, apparently, one person being there and being kind to him through it.

But what Ryou says after that, it...

...it helps, a little bit? It helps that Ryou does want to do this himself, that Atem isn't his keeper.

Trying to be...has been hard.

There's a slight relaxing, in the muscles of Atem's back, under Ryou's claws. Arms wrap around Ryou's shoulders, too, holding him back.]

It's okay...it's okay, to fight. Even people who care about each other a lot...fight, sometimes. Especially if they're hurting.

Fighting doesn't mean I don't love you, or won't forgive you. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt you, too. But...I warned you when this started, didn't I? That I wasn't sure I'd be good at this. That we might hurt each other. That I might not be perfect.

[oooooops that control's slipping again. He's tired, he's so tired, and his mouth is moving, and he can't stop it.]

I'm not perfect, Ryou. I lose sometimes. I guess wrong! I'm afraid -- I'm afraid of letting down the people who matter most, and I keep--! [He keeps not being able to protect them. Admitting this -- admitting fears -- probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the monster last month.] I'm afraid that if I don't help you...you'll...you'll just hurt, and it won't get better, and you'll either escape into a dream, or you'll despair, like other monsters despair, and do something desperate because you can't stand it here and end up in the prison!

[The thing is...he doesn't want to not have faith in Ryou, but he's also worried. October's going to be hard. Can Ryou...can Ryou do this on his own, and be thinking straight in time for the October fog, and what comes with it?

He holds Ryou tighter.]

I need you. I need you to solve this. I don't think starving yourself until you don't eat anymore is the answer, but I can't fix it for you. All I can do is tell you what I think, and...and hope it's right.

Losing...is okay. This place is a giant no-win situation. We will always lose...but you shouldn't blame yourself for it, you know? Y-you don't have to be perfect all the time, Atem. Just being you...that's plenty perfect for me.

[Ryou speaks with such conviction at last, because he's realized something from Atem's words. He'd tipped his hand, and maybe that was on purpose...but Ryou doesn't think it is. Atem said he was afraid of letting people down.

Ryou knows this feeling.

And when it's not him, he can speak with the advisement he knows he should take himself. Now though, finally...he can do something. And surprisingly, it helps him too. So...once Atem's done speaking, Ryou catches his lips in a brief, but determined kiss. He's the one reaching out. He's the one threading his fingers in Atem's hair this time.

But he doesn't linger. Instead, he pulls back.]

Listen.

I'm not going anywhere. My heart is weak, this I know. But how could I ever give up so completely with you here? You're part of what makes me strong. You're just as much a part of my heart as I am yours. What you say matters to me, and if this problem I'm having is hurting you...t-then I'll fix it.

[His hands slip away, though one grips Atem's shoulder. It presses, encouraging him to move back.]

Let me show you. I can solve it myself, right now. Then you can know that I won't worry you. Not anymore.

[Atem moves back, understanding what's being asked with that pressure. He moves off of Ryou, still staying by his side but not lying back down -- he'll hold himself up with an arm, or sit up completely, matching whatever Ryou does.]

Show me.

[What's he going to do? Is it going to make things worse? No -- I have to trust him.

Atem's extending trust, choosing to have faith -- even when it isn't easy. He does trust the people he loves, unlucky or not. He's watching.]

[Ryou sits up once he's able, then moves to get up out of bed. This whole time...while Atem had been pressed close to him, he hadn't realized how much better he'd made Ryou feel. Now without the weight of the smaller monster against his abdomen...and with everything they'd discussed about how Ryou was hurting himself...he realized that being this hungry was pretty awful.

It hurt. It hurt a lot, and he'd just settled for that so he could quit thinking about something far more depressing. That, in and of itself, is pretty depressing, isn't it?

But he meant what he said. He was going to fix it. Atem didn't have to follow him, but...should he do so, he'll find that Ryou literally means what he's saying.

He walks determinedly towards the kitchen, to the pantry that had been sorely neglected...and there he pauses, settling his fingers over the cabinet door. He has to do this. He's going to do this, even despite the voice in the back of his head whispering that if he gives in now, the rest of the pain will find a place in his heart. His sad, weak little heart.

This isn't just about Ryou anymore though. It's about solving a problem so that Atem doesn't have to.

So...he opens the cabinet, reaches in, and pulls out a container of...admittedly pretty tasty looking cookies that he'd bought as a kid, shortly before...

...Well, it didn't matter. He sets that container on the counter, and stares at them for a long moment.]

[He does follow, his feet quiet on the floor, socks muffling his steps.

A hand slips into one of Ryou's from behind, offering support with a light squeeze.]

[Ryou flicks a sideways glance at Atem when he feels that, his eyes glowing brightly in the poorly lit room, and he offers a small smile before peeling the lid back.

Once the cookies are exposed to the air and Ryou can smell them, he swallows hard. The collar around his neck almost feels oppressive for just a moment.

Being faced with something he's wanted, that he'd told himself he can't have but is having anyway...it's kind of messing with his head. He's doing this to prove to Atem that he can solve his own problems, and by god he really, really wants the cookie! His mouth's watering and he can feel an odd tightening in his throat as if it's already trying to prepare for him shoving food into his mouth.

Is it okay? What if this makes it worse? It can't, right? It's...in his head. It's totally fine, right?

--No. Stop. He can't think about it long enough to talk himself out of this. He's not alone. He has someone here whose expectations he has to meet. And...it's not just expectations. He's being supported in this, just for doing it. Right?

So before he can mind calculus his way out of it, he shoves the cookie into his mouth.

And regrets it instantly oh my god so sweet...!]

Mmngh!

[Ryou doesn't spit it out, but boy does the ultra-sweet flavor make his whole jaw hurt. He hasn't had food in days, now it tastes overpowering. He puts his hand over his mouth as he chews, and eventually he can just...enjoy it. And he does...he'd missed it so much...

He eventually takes another cookie, and he's not shy about eating it as well. Maybe he should eat something more balanced before he gives himself a stomachache, but at least if he did, it wouldn't be the same as that gnawing, terrible hunger he'd been dealing with of his own choice. Idiot. Big, stupid idiot.]

[He saw that it was painful -- he's worried a moment that it's more than just the flavor, what if it's already too late, and Ryou can never eat again...!

But it seems to be okay, after a minute. Around cookie two is when Atem hops up on the counter to sit, to be closer to eye-level. He'll stay in contact with Ryou, a hand on his shoulder or upper arm, just because...

...because, while Atem could be beating himself up for having missed this, instead, he feels relief that Ryou's over this grief hurdle. Just because you died is no reason to act like you're dead.]

Is it all right?

[--he says, as he pets his boyfriend while he eats sweets.]

[Ryou only slows down after about the fifth cookie, but he notices Atem taking a seat on the counter, how could he not? That's fine, it's better if they can look at each other on even footing. But what makes Ryou finally pause in what he's doing isn't that. It's not even the touch.

It's the words. Is it all right?

That's a good question and Ryou wants to say yes, the cookies are good, he loves the filling in the center and he missed the taste of sweet things so much. Eating this many cookies was definitely dumb.

But somehow, his brain interprets Atem's words as "are you all right?" and he feels his breath catch in his throat. That's not what Atem said at all! It's...he's talking about the cookies...]

Y-yes, it's...mmh...

[If you enjoyed petting your boyfriend before, try it now, when he presses his face into your shoulder, sir.

Ryou is definitely feeling some kind of way right now that has very little to do with how delicious these cookies are.]

[Atem's...not positive if this sudden swell of emotion is good or bad, if it's happiness or sadness, if it's love or guilt. Not yet. But either way, his response is the same: he tilts his head in, pressing his cheek to the top of Ryou's head, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and taking a deep breath. The other hand pets Ryou's hair, slowly and gently, a little like he handles Ryou's fog form.]

...want to spend the night together later? When we wake up.

[It's true he's got things to do. He's working on a trap for the person he's picked, for Yugi. Marik's working with him. But....

...that can wait 24 hours. It'd be nice to...take a little bit of a break. While, you know, he can...before he has to do to Yugi what he's going to do, before Yugi's hunger gets unbearable, before October's fog. As soon as the fog hits, they'll be in a crisis, and once it's over, who knows what kind of recovery, what kind of care, they'll both need...now might be the time, for that date he promised.]

Mmyes.

[Ryou doesn't lift his head up, which makes his affirmation sound, perhaps, a bit comical. But he does wrap an arm loosely around Atem, just above the waistline. He just wants to stay here, have his hair stroked (which is almost as comforting as it is while he's in his fog form.)

They have things to do. Ryou still has to make a deal with Mana now that he has a fair amount of coins. He has to figure out what he's doing for the end of the month, and he still intends to do something as a blanket apology for the other tenants on this floor. On the whole...his list of things to do is very relaxed.

Even still...if Atem is offering, then he's taking it. The night can be theirs, and theirs alone.

Reluctantly, he lifts his head, just to glance at Atem sideways.]

...What do you want to do?

[When Ryou looks up, Atem takes the side of his face in his hand. They're talking with their faces very close together; Atem's murmuring what he's got to say. He can smell sugar and jam, which...honestly, on top of being a relief, is something he finds cute.]

I promised you a date, didn't I? We could go to the arcade, it closes at night but Souda would probably let us in if I asked...or, we could go to the graveyard. I'll bring cards if you bring dice.

Wherever you like. As long as I'm with you, I don't care where we go.

[That's more or less Ryou's way of saying "surprise me", but he also means it, because he would be happy wherever they went. Honestly he's happy right now, because he'd reversed his own despair before it could ruin his time with Atem.

He'd been scared, back in the room, that if he had to say anymore, he would ruin everything for himself and Atem.

...The cookies were helpful too. He's probably got a few crumbs on his lips, being the mess that he is, but it's fine. He's finally okay. Extra okay, in fact, because their faces are so close together that if Ryou hadn't just eaten a whole bunch of cookies and now had to brush his teeth before bed again, he'd close the distance and kiss Atem.]

I never...properly thanked Souda for his help. I need to do that.

What Souda wanted most was word-of-mouth advertising, anyway. The best way to thank him is to mention his name if someone needs a mechanic...

[Sorry, Atem's trying to explain this, but he's a little distracted, and slows down near the end of that sentence. Excuse him, sir, you have cookie crumbs on your face, and it's dumb and it's charming and what on earth is he supposed to do with this?]

You're terribly cute, you know.

[He brushes his thumb over the corner of Ryou's mouth, then leans in to plant a light, shallow kiss. Atem coughed canal water out of his lungs once, he's not afraid of cookie breath.]

Edited 2021-10-13 18:38 (UTC)

Hey, what's brought that about--

[And they're kissing. Well! If Atem doesn't mind cookie breath, then that's alright then. Ryou's shoulders relax and he hums softly. Is this his reward for terrible behavior? Because he definitely doesn't deserve to be treated so kindly.

He's reluctant to end the kiss, but he does, just to roll his eyes. Which, you know. Requires context clues, since his eyes are glowing light voids.]

S-sometimes, I think you say that for a reaction.

[Which yes, he got one. Ryou's smiling, and far more relaxed than he had been before...everything.]

But...thank you. Not for calling me cute, but...um. The rest.

For caring.

I say it because I mean it! I wouldn't lie.

[The hair around Ryou's face gets stroked again. He's not going to let their faces be too far apart. If he can get a forehead press in, great.]

You're my wildcard, remember? When I have you, I can win, even when the normal rules say I shouldn't.

[Being trapped in Ryslig? Terrible. The relationships he's formed? Those have made him incredibly happy.]

I'm pretty sure you're all but incapable of lying.

[Don't mind him, he's just...gonna lean into the touch again, close one eye and smile. Extra cute. Unintentional, but cute nonetheless. When Atem goes in for that forehead contact, Ryou's only too happy to oblige.]

If I'm that important to you...I suppose I ought to stick close. Better to be on top of the deck than stacked low, where you can't reach me.

[Romantic card metaphors. Only they could pull this off, thank god their friends aren't here to hear all this.

~~Well. Except for the ones from home, they'd totally get it. Marik would probably laugh triumphantly.~~]

[Not incapable, strictly. He just hates it, it's wrong, he always feels guilty. Even introducing himself with Yugi's name...

...but that's over.]

Yes!

[He feels no shame whatsoever about the card game metaphors. Is he supposed to? If so, Atem hasn't heard anything about it. He's going to use them to hopefully communicate that Ryou taking care of himself helps the people around him -- do you know how many people it would hurt if you didn't take care of yourself? he recalls clearly -- and also nuzzle his face. Good, good good good.]

[....

Ryou will feel this more than hear it, since he's got a loose arm around Atem's waist, but as Atem takes a contented breath, his chest starts to buzz.

??

???

Atem definitely stiffens, straightens up a little. What is that? Is he dying?

It stops the moment he starts to worry about all the bad things vibration in his chest might mean.]

[Ryou's perfectly happy simply existing, letting whatever worries and anxieties he has be put on hold for the moment. It's always easy when they're close like this.

...Then he feels Atem basically vibrate under him.

It's gone as quick as it came, and Ryou's disappointed because frankly, he likes it when that happens. That is one of the few times he can think to himself that Atem is cute. But...if Atem was surprised by it, and he sure feels surprised by it, then maybe...he doesn't realize what he's doing?

Time to check.]

...What's wrong?

Ah...

Nothing, I guess...

[He still feels okay. Atem presses a hand to his chest. It's perfectly still. Unnaturally so, even...]

I felt strange for a moment, but...now it's gone.

I hope it won't turn out to be something bad later...

Oh. So...um. I don't think it's anything bad.

[Ryou tries not to smile, because it's only funny to him, isn't it? He's apparently the only one who knows, and he doesn't want Atem to think it was a secret.]

You...do that sometimes, when we're sleeping together. Right around the time you start falling asleep. I think...

[He pauses. Oh lord, is he really going to say this? H...haha...]

I think you were purring.

[The look on his face finishes that sentence silently. And it's cute as hell.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 * WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard>** I will get back to you as soon as possible.

IC Inbox | ryslig

cw self harm itt also, and self sacrifice ideation

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cw self harm discussion

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1/2

2/2 cw paranoia, but like, the dumb kind

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