softspokenlandlord | IC Inbox

[Ryou listens. He listens and processes all of that as the other Yugi offloads his entire agenda for probably...if he had to guess?

A day.

Is that pity? No...not really pity in its rawest form. Ryou just feels a strong need to support his friend, and he's glad that being a Shade hadn't stripped that from him. He's not really sure where to start at this point though.]

Yugi. Listen. If you need help, I can assist you with any of that, but if you spend all your time doing it and end up tired anyway, then how prepared can you possibly end up?

[Remember. Ryou's a DM. He spends all his time planning things out for the enjoyment of others, and also plays both sides. Villain and support. Surprisingly, this is pulling him from the edge of a breakdown for the moment, because this is something he wants to do. Help. He knows what it's like to be stripped down to nothing but an anxious nerve, to question what you could have done differently to keep from suffering.

...So not a 20. But pretty high.]

You're going to run yourself ragged over something that you couldn't control, and then the next time it happens, nothing will change, because you're going to be stockpiled and ready while you're hardly able to stand and face it. Ryslig is an ugly place with misguided people, and the bad things won't stop. But more than solars and dead man switches, don't you think you could stand to lean on a friend?

[A pause. This next part isn't to guilt the other Yugi, despite what it sounds like. Ryou can't help but to ask it...because this is where his own heart is weak.]

Aren't we friends? Can't you depend on me?

[That....

...

...that...makes a lot of sense. Ryou hits precisely the right notes, going from logic to acknowledgment of cold reality to reminding him that he does have friends to lean on, and that that's a source of strength.

The other Yugi doesn't think of himself as getting tired. That's something that happens to other people. But he's also used to being able to share the load of being a living person with someone else and only coming out to take care of the battles. He can't tag out and rest anymore, and he....hasn't thought of himself as needing to. But, of course, of course that'll happen, right? He'll be less effective if he's exhausted.

And he is tired. He has been working, and working alone, and it's...it's always nice to be reminded that he isn't. That's one of his favorite feelings in the world -- when he realizes there are other people by his side, who will fight with him. The Millennium Puzzle's power is unity; that means he's strongest when he's not alone.

He shuts his eyes, huffs a breath, and gives a tiny I've-been-an-idiot smile. Then, the other Yugi looks back up.]

Of course.

Of course we're friends, Bakura!

[it was silly, very silly of him to not count on that sooner.]

You're right -- if I spend all my time preparing for the worst, I'll be too tired to fight. I've still got things I want to do, but...they don't all have to happen right now.

And I don't have to do it alone. I know I can count on you.

[The next part kind of slips out, without him meaning for it to.]

Heh...I guess I'll have to figure out how to rest for myself...

[aw, shit. oops! that's a very weird way to put it when you are definitely a whole person and not a fragment of someone's soul / something that was in the puzzle]

Sorry! I know that's a weird thing to say, but it's the truth. I don't know...how I decompress. I've never had to!

[He totally thinks Bakura doesn't know about there being two Yugis. He figures the guy won't ask.]

[Ryou had done so good with that whole friendship tirade. He'd kept his entire cool to support the other Yugi and he was happy to do it. But somehow, the admission that they were indeed friends triggered something in him. He thought he'd want to hear it after all, but hearing it just brought up more questions.

Which Ryou is the real Ryou? Which friendship is the one that matters?

Who are you? Why are you?

Adam? Or Atem? Which one? Which one is real?

Without realizing, Ryou brings his hands to the sides of his head, covering his ears. He should keep pressing to be supportive, but he doesn't know what to do. Everything's still too mixed up, he shouldn't have ever left his apartment. But if he hadn't...wouldn't the other Yugi just be making bad decisions for himself? He made a little difference, right? He'd never made that difference before, so why does his mind have to invalidate it.]

I'm sorry...I'm sorry. Please just. Give me a minute.

[If the other Yugi could just ignore the way he looked right now, that'd be great! It'll pass...right?]

[lmao fat chance of ignoring that. He half-rises out of his chair, concerned and alarmed.]

Bakura? Bakura!

What is it?

[Protectiveness creeps into that alarm, a fierce willingness to get involved in this.]

Someone hasn't hurt you, have they?

[Is there an ass he has to kick? That's the most pressing question on the other Yugi's mind -- because obviously, if someone's traumatized, it's someone else's fault, it's because something happened. Bakura's been on-edge, reluctant to respond, difficult to get hold of, and when the other Yugi filters that through his own experiences, it makes him fear that someone's done something terrible to Ryou, like how something terrible was done to him.]

No! No, no one's hurt...I mean. Yes, but--

[He shakes his head, hating the attention this is getting him. The shadowy aura that he usually has under control spreads a little, like tiny flames licking at his outline.]

This is...it's his fault. [Surely it's Daniel he's talking about right?] I didn't ask to be changed into someone else! It's confusing enough just being the me before I came here.

[And there it is. Now that he's said it, Ryou knows the dam is broken, and whether the other Yugi intended for this to be what his day consisted of or not, he can't stop himself.]

I spent years being me with someone else in my head, alright? And that "someone else" is the one who caused trouble for people around me. I'd wake up without knowing what happened and others being so angry with me! They had the right!

[He finally looks up at the other Yugi and there's such a terrified look on his face. Like someone was holding a knife to his throat.]

I don't want more versions of me. I have to live here with someone wearing my face already, and he was here first so now he's deserving of it. Now, I have someone else who is me that had a business. With talent.

What do you do with that, Yugi? How do you deal with so many yous that overshadow the person you thought you were? How do you decide what's real?

[...he stares. Waking up, and not knowing what happened..."someone else wearing my face"...

Those blackouts sound familiar.

It's his own hands that move closer, this time, across the table. The other Yugi sincerely does not care if that shadowy aura's dangerous. He's gonna get up in Ryou's space a little anyways, fully on his feet now.

The other Yugi doesn't consider what he did to be "causing trouble." He'd taken care of trouble! But even so, he remembers how frightened his other self had been...how scared he'd been of the blackouts, of his new friends leaving him when they found out, how he'd tried to hold the other Yugi back because he was scared of him...that had been difficult enough.

Ryou coming back to himself with the people around him angry instead of safe? The other Yugi can't even imagine living like that. That would have been terrible. To have not a friend in your heart, but an enemy...that kind of thing would definitely make someone look at him with the kind of fear the other Yugi's seeing.

With sympathy, and more gentleness than he's shown up till now:]

...having to live with someone else in your head, who caused trouble for you that you couldn't remember...that must have been hard, Bakura.

[Even though he's coming at it from the other side...he remembers Yugi's feelings. He's sympathetic to this.]

And it's even harder that some people here met him first, so they assume that appearance is him, not you. But that doesn't make him deserving of it. It's not a matter of deserving to be the one who looks like you because he ended up in Bavan first. Your face is your face.

[My face isn't my face. That feels true. This is Yugi's face. And if he's not Yugi...if he's something that came out of the Puzzle...then... He pushes that away.]

You've had to fight to have an identity here, haven't you? And another you around has made that harder. Harder to be you, separate from him.

[And because of that...Ryou's had trouble not just fading into the background. He feels like someone else already has his life, and he's not confident enough to reach out and take it back -- to fight for being Ryou, not the other Ryou. To fight the idea that only one of them gets to live life as them at a time.

...yeah okay he's definitely going to get in Ryou's space here, look right at him, directly in the glowing eyes.]

But I can see you. Right? I know you're here! You're someone who writes to his family, who puts other people before himself, and who's gonna put together a TTRPG table with me. You might have memories from other lives, and it's true that those might affect the way you feel about some things. But that's okay!

Those memories are a part of you. Not all of you -- but a piece. Things don't have to be "real" to be a part of us. Our dreams, the things we want, the things we dread...those aren't "real," they never happened. But they matter! They affect who we are, and what we do, and we're not less "us" because we have them.

It sounds like you could use a hand figuring out the rest, though. You want the part of you that's not dreams or fears, the part that's Ryou Bakura, to be stronger, don't you? Harder to push into the background, harder to overshadow.

[Ryou would try to poke holes in all that the other Yugi's saying if he had the strength left to. Instead, his first reaction is, as ever, to solidify his body where the other Yugi draws near, to make himself harmless. It's instinct that still cuts through his anguish.

Because he's not the Ring-Spirit. Because he is Ryou Bakura. He wants friends and although he might slip to the shadows of their bond, he's still there right?

When he and the other Yugi's gazes meet, Ryou feels his chest tighten and his eyes widen, as if he's surprised to hear all of this. No, he's not surprised to hear it. He knows this Yugi nearly as well as the true Yugi, and those words do indeed strike a chord. Because he's right.

Ryou does want his identity. Not for anyone else's sake, but for himself. The stark reminder of how Diva had torn unwanted memories from Ryou's mind kicking and screaming still shakes him to his core. He was being honest then--he never wanted to think about that time again, when he had been used to murder. That Ryou Bakura was not in control and he hadn't been even after he was pulled back into the world he knew again, from the darkness that Diva had sent him to.]

No one here knows me enough to judge me for it, that's...really just me, isn't it? And they might never realize how hard it is to be separated. I don't even think he realizes why I struggle, and that's my fault as well.

[He passes his fingers across his face, to alleviate the stinging at the corners of his bright eyes.]

I've been hiding from everyone ever since what happened at the circus. I know you weren't here, Yugi, but it was terrible. I hurt so many people because I was driven mad by the effects of...it doesn't matter. It's not worth it to talk about who did it anymore.

The point is...you're right. You're right about how I feel, and...you're right about everything else you said about me. I want to do all those things you say, and I will continue to do what makes me myself. I think I lost sight of it in the face of everything that's happened here.

[The corner of his mouth twitches. It's not quite a smile, but it's not a frown either.]

Ha...I was supposed to comfort you, wasn't I?

[The other Yugi might not know who, or what, he is. His memories might come from other-hims that aren't the same as the him he is right now. But one of the things he wants to be is someone who's there for his friends. He wants to protect their hearts.

He looks at Ryou with sympathy, when he mentions the circus -- going mad, hurting others...that must have been terrible, too.

(At this point he still doesn't know Javert's in prison for the circus thing!)]

...I think we both needed someone to talk to.

[Because even though he was trying to get Ryou to tell him what was wrong...the other Yugi needed to hear the advice he got, too.

He wonders about it when Ryou says how hard it is to be separated. How close is what Ryou experienced to...to how he used to live?]

I might know a thing or two about finding yourself more alone in your head than you're used to. And not being sure about who you are, when you're not who you remember being.

[this dumb boy has no idea ryou already knows so he's confessing this like it's a real weird secret.]

[Ryou nods to the first part. They had both needed someone to talk to, he'd simply been avoiding it until it culminated into a breakdown. Seems the other Yugi's got his head screwed on right in some ways, while Ryou has his own strengths. That's what being friends is for though. Balance.

He actually smiles at the thought. It's...nice. He's always deeply touched that anyone wants to be his friend after the things he's done, though to be fair, the other Yugi doesn't know what Ryou's been host to.

And speaking of the past...]

Oh yes. Your bond was much more positive than the bond I had with my spirit, so I can understand you missing...

[He pauses, realizing he's spoken without thinking. But he can't very well leave the sentence without it's ending, so although he looks awkwardly away, he murmurs the name anyway.]

...Um. Yugi.

[...wait, shit. Wait. What. He knows?

The other Yugi hears that, and, uh, he sinks back down in his chair, because even though Ryou is from his future, he's called him Yugi all this time, and at first, that was fine and made sense because of course he was Yugi, and now it led him to guess that Ryou didn't know there were two of them.]

You know...? That there were -- [two of us, only that's not the truth anymore, is it?] -- that I was -- you knew I existed?

[w h o a.]

[Ryou looks almost...guilty at that point. He hadn't meant to tell the other Yugi about this, not until they'd perhaps gotten a bit more comfortable together. Ryou carries his uncertainties with him even now, and that has nothing to do with his muddled memories. It has everything to do with his second-hand knowledge of who he still called friend, despite his exclusion from the memory world.

To put it simply...it wasn't his place to bring it up.

It didn't mean that his knowledge existed in a vacuum though. He was there for the duel between Yugi and his longtime partner. He knew...and maybe he should have been more tactful after all.]

I knew you existed as an individual. We are friends, but I didn't want to press myself upon you, since I knew that you didn't really remember me. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. Your connections with the others--Yugi, Jonouchi, Anzu, Honda--those are your strongest bonds! That's why they stayed with you in February! It wasn't...my place, you see?

And...

Well, I thought you had quite enough to deal with, being here and all.

[His mind's a little blown, that someone else knew there was another heart inside of Yugi, someone from his future who he doesn't remember. Noa suspected, but that was because Noa datamined his memories. He wasn't...told. Or shown.

He feels a little exposed, a little more seen than he thought he was before, and to someone very used to controlling what's known about him, it's a little frightening! But also...

...comforting? That he's known. That Bakura knew he was there, and they were still friends. Bakura is someone he chose to be friends with, and that means...there's trust.

What he's feeling is new, but bone-deep, trust. There's a queer thrill to it, like stepping out onto an invisible bridge, or reaching into a box you can't see into.]

If you knew about me, then we must have been close friends after all!

...

I'm glad.

The only other person who knows I'm...not the only one who's called Yugi...is Noa. He saw us, but he doesn't understand. Not really. He doesn't know...how hard it is to be separated...to suddenly be alone in your heart, for the first time you can remember...

[Ryou had a harder relationship with his...spirit? Is that what beings like him are called? --than Yugi and the other Yugi did. But he mentioned that it was hard on him for them to be apart, even if it had often been bad when they were together...

So, if anyone's going to understand how terribly alone he feels, it's Ryou. If anyone's going to recognize the hollow loneliness that creeps into the other Yugi's voice, it's him. He realized he couldn't trade places with his other self while Jounouchi was here, in February, and that had made it a little easier, and then all of his friends had become a part of him, and even if that had been painful, it had made him feel less incomplete for a while.

But they didn't stay. And here he is, alone in a body that's not even his, that's dead. It's a little sick, isn't it, that he's puppeteering Yugi's dead body, without him? That's how he feels, when there's nothing to ground him in his own flesh. If he's not Yugi, then he's a ghost in someone else's machine.

It must be hard for Ryou, too. To go from being the one the body belonged to....to being the ghost.]

Edited 2021-04-22 14:31 (UTC)

[Ryou finds that the other Yugi's insistence that they were close friends brings a warmth swelling within him that he can't push away. The more it's said and the more he accepts it, the more Ryou wants to hear it more. He always stood to the side just a little more than the others. He always spun the dark perspective that they didn't want to hear. It was, of course, his way of being there, even if it seemed nonconducive.

But he still cared, and being seen was so validating that he's...pretty sure he's going to get emotional over it. No, he can't. He'd opened this can of worms, it was time to own it.]

...Being alone in your head after always having someone there, for better or worse, is always very jarring. You wonder if a part of you is missing, or if that part represented something more important than you will ever be.

[He is...probably projecting but he doesn't realize. He doesn't know how hard he is on himself, being the shadow and not the caster of such. It had always been in his mind, of course. But being in Ryslig had made it a little too real.]

I wish Yugi was here, so that you didn't have to be alone. But rest assured that he doesn't define you. Maybe in time you may learn more about yourself in this place than you already have. And if you have any questions, then I'm here, alright? You can ask now, or later, and I'll tell you what I can. It's the least I can do after you've helped me figure things out.

[The other Yugi nods at that first part, understanding.

He does feel like Yugi is more important than he'll ever be. When the other Yugi awoke, he knew what he was alive for, what he was here to do, and that was to protect Yugi and what he cared about.

He'd been happy, when he was able to do that.

But, now, he's not even Yugi. He's something else, and it's only the acceptance he felt during Death-T that keeps him from feeling like an interloper.

Does he want to know about himself...?

He's honestly not sure. Adam's memories are still pressing close on his mind, interfering with his sense of self...how many 'him's is he going to end up with?

So, the other Yugi asks the practical question:]

How much do you know? About me.

[Ryou's eyes flick up to lock on the other Yugi's. He's uncertain still, how far to take this. He doesn't want his knowledge to hurt his friend.]

I know whatever the others told me after exploring your memory world and helping you to regain your name, but...I wasn't there for that. Because of it though, I do know your name.

[He's still extremely distraught that he was used, once again, to harm his friends, but this isn't the time to think about that. It wasn't a time to wonder whether maybe if Bobasa had just let him in, things wouldn't have gone differently since he wouldn't have been possessed one final time...]

M-my name...?

[He has a name.

He has a name, and it's not "Yugi". If the other Yugi still had a heartbeat, it'd be thrumming in his ears. As it is, he just feels dizzy. He's glad he's sitting down! The prospect of being named, named as someone not-Yugi, feels...

It feels big, and he's not certain why. Can't put his finger on it.

It must be because he's still wound up, from the confrontation with Daniel. The difference between Adam and the Yugi of darkness who punished the man who'd tortured and killed him is uncomfortable, like two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit together. His mind feels like a live wire, raw and exposed. Does he want to know more? Does he want to know now? If he doesn't hear about it now, will he miss his chance to learn it if Ryou, god forbid, disappears?

....while he doesn't want Ryou to go anywhere, the other Yugi, very guiltily, wouldn't mind not having to know more about what makes him distinct from Yugi Mutou. He doesn't want to be distinct. He liked being Yugi.

But as long as Ryou's here, the other Yugi can't turn his back on the truth. He can't pretend he never found this out. So, he chooses his next question carefully, to assuage at least one of the worries the conversation with Noa had left him with. He raises his eyes to Ryou's.]

...if I am not Yugi, then what am I?

[This is something Ryou can finally do to help. Properly, since despite not being as intertwined in the other Yugi's memories as his other friends, he still had something going for him.

It was inevitable that he would seek the information out for himself. And it was equally inevitable that his friends would tell him, even after the evil that had nested itself so deeply into him, burying in like a tick and puppeteering him one last time in an attempt to erase the other Yugi and bring about the darkness once more.

So...Ryou knows everything. Ryou can tell the other Yugi what he wants.]

You're the Nameless Pharaoh. You sealed away the ultimate darkness to help your people.

What's important about you is still a part of you even if you don't remember it. You create bonds with others and you see both sides of them, best and worst. And you do things that punish evil.

[He pauses, to allow that to sink in, because it's a lot.]

Then I'm some kind of ghost...?

[That's what it sounds like. The ghost of a pharaoh, who sealed darkness away...

...someone who definitively isn't Yugi Mutou.

God, thinking that feels so lonely. But Ryou's description doesn't feel off: seeing the best, and the worst, and punishing evil...the only part he's not sure about is forming bonds with others. Hah. That's Yugi's specialty -- he makes such good friends, because he's always ready to trust someone new, always eager to play, always prepared to step in for someone who needs help...

The other Yugi picks the de-powered Puzzle up by its cord and looks at it. If there's any vehicle for how the pharaoh's ghost came to possess the Japanese teenager, it's got to be this.]

I must have been in here a really long time, to have forgotten everything.

[It's easier to be a little bit sassy about it than to sink into loneliness.]

I suppose you are a ghost, and you were in there a long time, but I don't think that's why you forgot.

[He looks at the puzzle, staying quiet for a while. He feels...uncomfortable the more he talks about this. It's not really his place, is it? A lot of things aren't his place, but he's the only one here to tell the story, isn't he? The Ring-Spirit has reasons to hate the other Yugi. Ryou doesn't believe he's a good vehicle for telling the pharaoh his own story.

Though to be fair, he's not entirely sure of the other Yugi and the Ring-Spirit's current relationship. In the alternate world, they had been friends, that much he knew. Did that...really extend here?

Ryou can't find himself to believe that. But...that's neither here nor there, is it? It's not his business.]

Are you going to be alright? Knowing this kind of thing can be a lot to take in, and I hope my insensitivity hasn't troubled you.

[Seriously, he should have probably kept that whole "I know you're not Yugi" thing to himself. But coming off his little nervous breakdown there had definitely messed him up.]

It's certainly not a trivial fact!

[He is upset about it. He's got it together, he's not, like, losing his temper or his composure, but...

But it feels like a part of himself is lost. Something's been taken away, something he wasn't ready to let go of. He can't look away from the truth, shutting his eyes to it is foolish, but...!

He doesn't want to be the Nameless Pharaoh. He wants to be a part of Yugi, a strong part that can protect him and his friends from anything bad. He wants to be there for them, no matter what! He doesn't feel complete like this; he feels adrift.

Thank god Ryslig is a shadow game, and he has something to focus on, a goal. If he didn't, and he were just here, with an empty heart and no hope...he doesn't know what he'd do. But finding his way to the end, discovering the win condition...that's his anchor.]

Do you think it'd be okay if I went by "Yugi" a little longer?

I'm not ready to let go of that, yet. Even if I have a different name...I want to keep being "another Yugi," for now.

[Ryou doesn't hesitate.]

Of course. I will call you by whatever name you prefer. Not only is that how you're known here, but that is your choice and I respect it.

[He so badly wishes that he could do more than that, simply respecting boundaries doesn't feel like enough when you created the need to make boundaries in the first place.]

If you want, we can talk about something else. Do something else. Today was...quite a lot to deal with, and I'm sure there's less complicated things we could discuss.

No haunted board games though.

[Haha funny throwback joke? He's at least trying to make it less, uh. Rough.]

[Funny throwback joke?

Totally works.

The other Yugi brightens, lets out a real chuckle. The serious mood fades back, and the loneliness eases up; after all, he's got a friend right here in front of him, doesn't he?]

No -- one successful board game haunting was quite enough for me. But something else could be fun!

[Although, since Ryou's willing to make throwback jokes...]

While we're on the subject of names, though -- are you and I familiar enough for me to call you Ryou? I won't if it'd bother you, of course! But it feels like that's what I'm used to.

[Oh.

Ryou's used to people calling him by his first name here in Ryslig, he knows he's not living in Japan anymore and he's traveled before, enough to be comfortable with any form of address as it's needed.

But...the other Yugi wanting his permission to refer to him with familiarity is. It's...

Look, he's generally always been Bakura to his friends. It made everything confusing because the Ring-Spirit was also Bakura, save for here. Hell, he doesn't even realize how deep the Baku-rabbit hole goes.

To put it simply...Ryou is actually kind of content--pleased, even--that he can be that familiar with the other Yugi. Maybe something good did come out of this whole alternate world situation.

Suffice it to say he looks pretty happy when he answers. His ears even look like they're slightly wiggling, but he doesn't notice that.]

Yes, of course. I'd be perfectly fine with you using my first name.

[Perfectly fine more like PERFECTLY HAPPY! Fuck the haunted Ouija board, this is so much cooler.]

[He smiles. Okay! Okay, good.]

All right, then.

Well, Ryou, I'm afraid I don't have much more here than a deck of cards and some dice, but if you'd like to play something ordinary, and not-haunted...

[He's down if you're down. He's learned all of Ryslig's native card games, thanks to the other-world. They both know them!]

IC Inbox | ryslig

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mmm referencing that real name for a sec. :V

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cw some real weird body dysphoria

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 * WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard>** I will get back to you as soon as possible.