softspokenlandlord | IC Inbox

H-hurt myself....

[Ryou really thinks that's what this is...? A little pulling on his own hair, to keep himself in the present...as though that were even close to his real hurt, as though it even registers on the scale. This is nothing, this is holding on.

He doesn't respond to the hands on his. He doesn't deserve to grip them, instead.]

Ha ha...h-ha ha ha...no, I'm not! Don't worry....

[He's still spinning, but he's doing his best not to spin out, and to stay here, he has to hold on.]

Maybe...maybe you're right. I was upset, and I didn't say what I thought I did, and didn't hear what I thought I did.

[But the memories are so clear.

Is it...?

...no, he can't wonder about games right now. No game terms He's got to deal with the electric-chemical meat of his brain and spine, and how it's become unreliable.]

I'm sorry. My [memories were] understanding was...wrong. I thought I could trust my own mind, but...I know better, now, I know it's fallible. I'll -- [A gulp of air. Get the words out.] -- I'll try to make sure...my sense of what's real, and my m-memories of what's said, are...a-accurate...before I panic, over something like this, again.

[Learn. Adjust strategy to account for new information. Don't make the same mistake twice.]

I'm sorry that I panicked, and r-reacted so badly. The idea was...a terrible thing to face.

[He'll only explain why, if Ryou wants to know. But he's not here to explain, he's here to apologize for hurt.]

In trying to come to terms with it, and wh-what it meant, I hurt you. I'm sorry. It was wrong. I was wrong.

[Ryou's entire body feels like it's been drawn tight, like a bowstring that's been held too long in place, til it hurts and it feels like the string might not be strong enough to withstand the pressure.

His sympathy is part of it, what holds the string taut from the bottom.

His self-preservation is tugging from the top, reminding him of how easy it had been, for Atem to decide the relationship was not worth keeping, and to tell Ryou that he would only suffer here, in the haze, and be unable to save himself.

It's hard to listen to Atem admitting he was wrong...but also, helpful, in its own way. Ryou's just too mixed up to tell what's best, so he closes his eyes, doesn't move his hands...and lets Atem explain.

It's too long, perhaps, that Ryou sits there, lost in his own thoughts, before he finally thinks to say anything.]

I understand...that it was frightening. I get that panic cannot be controlled. If it could, then...I would have found the right words then.

...You did hurt me. You...didn't have faith in me, and told me I was going to suffer no matter what I did.

[It sounds accusatory, and yet...Ryou isn't pulling away.]

But I won't give up. Not on me, or you. I care that you were hurt. I'll always care that you were hurt, so...if you want to talk about it, or try to find out how we can make it better, we can. But if you don't, we don't have to either.

I doubt if any of this is making any sense, but...just know that I can't turn from you. I love you.

[There's still a lot of darkness inside Atem, swirling around his heart and mind.

He's had two weeks now to sit with his thoughts, to chew on the ends of plans, to mull things over in the cool underground of Hill House. He still has that image in his mind, burned into it like a brand, of everyone he loves in Ryslig's spider-web, tangled hopelessly in sticky silk, too far for him to reach them but always in sight, always where he can see them writhe and scream, from where he is, in the same plight.

He still thinks of how much easier it would be, if he can't cut them free, to hold a match to the nearest strand and let it all go up in smoke, web and friends together. It would be so much better, to make the screaming stop, to bring it all to an end.

...

...

...but...

...that's not the only way forward, anymore. Not now, not with this information.

Though his heart tells him, it's false hope, you know it is, you know it'll be the same as the other times, no matter what he says his luck is bad, and you can't hope, you'll only be hurt, you know what the Mana coins are for, run or accept hurt and hurt and hurt--

...there are other voices, others who have spoken to him, tried fruitlessly to help him with words that seem like the wrong approach, like willfully closing his eyes to the truth and opening himself up to avenues of hurt that he didn't have to open.

He doesn't have to let the suffering of others, suffering he can't stop, hurt him. But he doesn't have to destroy everything, either.

Atem's mouth presses shut, in a thin line. Ryou's powers weren't taken after all. Can he hope...? Can he hope that a mechanism designed to make them suffer, will play fair?

He can't.

The house will always win.

In the face of that, does he still want to play...? Can he trust that Ryou will remain in the game, like he promises he will -- I won't give up, he says.

Atem brings his arms around, to cover his eyes, to hold his head.]

Can't you...? It might be better if you did. I make bad decisions. My calls are wrong more often than they're right. I act like I can make a difference in the lives of the people closest to me, but those actions only cause pain and suffering and widespread hurt. I'm capable of terrible things...and, I'm a foolish person, who doesn't understand that I've got it wrong until the cost is already paid.

[It might be better if everything ended. Atem doesn't deserve to live, and everyone else deserves the release of death.

...but, there are monsters who have made lives here, who don't suffer the way he does, the way Ryou does. It's...it's not right, to take away their homes, imperfect as they are, as a trade for the mercy of oblivion.

But Atem still deserves to pay the price for his actions. If that's Ryou realizing that he's an unstable murderer who, it turns out, under the confidence that's fooled everyone, including himself really, really sucks, then that's only right.]

Are you sure...that you want to let me try again? If my record is anything to go by...I'll only get it wrong again.

[Ryou simply shakes his head, a slow but firm motion. Atem's wrong now, and he might be wrong in a way that's forgivable, but it's still not right.

Ryou will have to liberate him of that idea, won't he? Of several, in fact. His hands finally draw away, but not because he intends to leave Atem to think about things, way harder than they need to be thought of. No, instead, he gives Atem space to move freely.]

You know...there's something that has been told to me by different monsters at this point, and I have taken it to heart, in a way, because it's true.

Despite us categorically being changed into monsters...we are still possessed of our human traits. We're still people. We still have humanity in our hearts. I tend to forget that, because after being here for two years...well, it doesn't seem like a lot.

But it is, when you're made to murder and eat people.

[Ryou shifts in his seat, looking down at the table and wishing he could lose himself in the pattern. But that would do them both a great disservice at this point.]

The point is...you're asking me if I should just stop loving you, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. Maybe it would be, for someone else.

[Maybe it would be easier for Atem, than it is for Ryou, who is a deeply lonely person, and one who had been told by Atem, perhaps one too many times, that he mattered. Maybe it would be simpler if Ryou wasn't such a kindhearted person, albeit one changed by his situation here in Ryslig.

But despite everything, he remains Ryou Bakura, at his core.]

Every person on this peninsula has made a bad decision in their lives. You have, I have, our friends and enemies have all made mistakes, and a lot of those have caused us pain.

I've forgiven someone who used my body to commit atrocities, and left me scarred. I've forgiven someone who let terrible things happen to the person I love the most, just because they didn't want to get in the middle of two people they cared about.

[Finally, he reaches out, gently brushing the backs of his clawed fingers along Atem's cheek, if its exposed.]

So then why would I ever care if you made a mistake? It's not fair to expect you to be perfect, in such an untenable place. Furthermore...why is it, Atem, that you think you're any less allowed to make mistakes?

Please...you can't chain yourself to your errors, and never forgive yourself for any of them. That's not fair...you're not here to play a perfect game. You're here to survive.

You're here to live a life, and be you, as best you can. Best doesn't mean perfect.

S-so that's why I'll give you as much of myself as I can, even now, after everything that's happened. You can't choose for me. If you could have, then I wouldn't have invited you in here.

[We have humanity in our hearts. Is that true...? Atem feels less and less human by the day. Maybe it's just how far gone he is, but he isn't sure what point Ryou's making, in the first bit. He listens, though, his eyelids pressed to his forearms, and tries to understand what Ryou is trying to tell him.

Ryou is telling him...that what he's done is forgivable. At least...forgivable by Ryou.

He sinks deeper into his own arms, when he feels the backs of fingers against his cheek. It's not a rejection, but a knee-jerk retreat.

Ryou says, it's not fair to expect you to be perfect. why are you less allowed to make mistakes? you can't chain yourself to your errors. you're here to surive.

best doesn't mean perfect

you can't choose for me.]

I....

[There's so much spinning around in his mind, more than he can stand. His feelings about his mistakes, the harm he's done, being things he can unchain himself from and forgive himself for mingle like potassium and water with his feelings about it wasn't taken away after all, the things I did, they weren't useless, it wasn't just pain I caused for free, it wasn't a trick, I wasn't tricked, and, my mind, my mind tricks me, I can't trust my mind, oh god--

Are they going to be okay...? A-are they -- are they going to get back together, and, will there be a fighting chance, at survival, for them?

He wants there to be. He wants there to be a chance at that. He wants it so badly, and he was so scared he'd never had it, and that he'd played into Ryslig's hands and there was nothing left, and it was as futile as two flies playing house in a spider's web, and he's so bad at this, and being him isn't enough, but it's all he can do, how is he supposed to...?

That's the question that echoes through his mind, unfinished -- or with too many ways it ends.

Ryou might not see it, when it happens. There's not a reply, at first. Atem's face stays covered, and he stays still, except for the rise and fall of his shoulders.

But those shoulders start to rise and fall more erratically, as Atem's breathing grows uneven, and after a few more moments, there's a telltale sniff. The cloth on his arms is catching most of the moisture, it doesn't get to the table, but there's no hiding it after that. He curls in tighter into himself, trembling from the middle of his chest out, and isn't sure if he's crying with grief, relief, or simple overwhelming exhaustion.

It's probably all three.]

Edited 2022-11-25 05:07 (UTC)

[The fact that Atem doesn't even try to argue, scarcely says anything at all...it makes Ryou feel a little more secure that he's doing the right thing, and saying what he needs to.

It gives him the confidence to get to his feet even though Atem had avoided his touch once. It made him wonder, when Atem buried his face further down into his arms, but Ryou's not wondering anymore, especially not when he hears the sound of what he knows is Atem trying to hide his emotion, however poorly.

Ryou quietly moves to Atem's side of the table, behind him. He doesn't hesitate to stoop down and let his head rest against Atem's while one hand gently rests on his back. He doesn't move much, he just asserts his presence there, hoping that the warmth and the weight might be of comfort.]

You'll always be my most treasured person. And you can always lean on me...if you have to. If you would allow me...I would give everything I have to help you, as you've helped me...

[Even if...Atem had hurt him this time. How many times has Ryou hurt him, without meaning to?]

[At first, there's only sounds of quiet, muffled crying, from under the minotaur arms. The touch isn't recoiled from.

But, there's a low, pained moan, as Atem realizes what Ryou is doing -- what's happening.]

Noooooooooo...

[It's unsteady, as unsteady as Atem's next words.]

Nooooo, this is what happens, when we both need help...

...when there's something [With the state of his nose, it sounds like "subthig".] you aren't talking about, so you can help meeeee...

[Another sniff, at the end of that little wail.]

...and you'll be mad about it later.

[Ryou listens and...rather than tighten his grip or try to offer some reassurance, he sighs in frustration.]

Atem, just shut up. Shut up for once in your life, cope with your emotions, and let me help you. This is what it means to be in a relationship. It means...sometimes you have to get through the hard parts for someone you care about.

Me caring about you...doesn't mean we're done talking about this forever.

[And yet, Ryou does allow himself to nose more firmly into Atem's hair. It's a little selfish, but if that's what his whining, accusatory boyfriend has decided to force him into, then so be it.]

Just...stop looking for trouble...

[Atem feels a vague sense, through the whirlpool of feeling he's caught in, of wanting to argue it -- there are things he could say, should say.

He thinks of the time when he came back from the dead -- and Ryou had had his emotions deadened, and wasn't eating. His feelings about his own death, and coming back, had to be put aside -- and he hadn't complained.

But, Ryou had thrown it in his face that he'd put his own death aside and had gone to look for Atem, that he hadn't had a chance to process his own death then, or when Ryou's body had been dehydrated, because Atem's feelings about both incidents had been in the way.

Atem hadn't thought about how Ryou was feeling when he'd dehydrated Ryou's body last September, and coming back had been painful. That had been a mistake.

He'd tried to make up for it, by allowing Ryou the space to feel, in Felfri, and not letting his own emotions interfere. But, now, Ryou's telling him, this is what it means to be in a relationship, as if he knows --

-- as though Ryou won't resent him for it.

He knows he was the one to hurt Ryou, that all of this is his fault, and that he's the one falling to pieces on an evil-alternate-dimension kitchen table. It's not fair, and it's worth resenting, he's slipped completely out of his own control and can't reach it to get it back, yet. But the weight and warmth and nosing into his hair is heartbreakingly comforting, like a warm bath, and it just makes him fold his arms in front of him, press his face into them, and cry harder.

He doesn't want Ryou to resent him, for accepting help. They'll have to talk...they have a lot to talk about. But Atem can't talk now, his throat's closed up, and his voice won't work. He's too upset to talk, so, he does shut up -- he leans, instead, back against Ryou, pressing his side against Ryou's like an animal that's cold, or lonely.]

[Despite his frustrations...Ryou wonders for a moment whether he's been too cruel in saying what he just did. Then, Atem leans back into him and he decides that for the moment, it might just be worth it to not to complicate things on his end either.

So, he tells his own mind to shut the fuck up and holds Atem with a fierceness that reminds him that honestly...they're both fucked up here, but he can't stop loving Atem just because of it.

They'll talk...later. Now, he wants to be of some comfort to his love, and to pretend that there's nothing to talk about.]

[He presses into Ryou's side, and, before he's done, Atem ends up with his face in Ryou's chest, fingers wound in his shirt.

He's got too many feelings, good and bad, and it's going to take his body and brain time to sort through them. Right now, he's a pot that's boiling over -- but, Ryou holding him, means that eventually, he'll slow down, and start gulping for breath, hyperventilating, trying to breathe at a normal rate and failing. He's dizzy, thanks to the overabundance of oxygen in his too-alive bloodstream; he's clinging to Ryou's clothes, his horns pressing against Ryou's shoulder in a way that comforts, the pressure helps, and when he can maybe form a word or two again, he doesn't say, you shouldn't be comforting me, it was my fault.]

We--

[Breathless, short.]

We have -- a-a lot to -- t-talk about--

[he's clearly in no state to do it. But, at least, he seems to want to work on them, instead of closing the door on it as something he can't, or shouldn't, have.]

[As Atem adjusts in his hold, Ryou does the same, running a hand along his back comfortingly. It's the best he can do, to let Atem cry for now. It hurts to see him in such a state, but...Ryou doesn't want to take that emotional response from him.

Though, when Atem finally forces out those words, he does nod gently, and pull away slightly.]

I know. We will...I promise.

[A hand moves up to gently cup the back of Atem's head, threading clawed fingers into his short hair for a moment.]

Talking seems a bit hard now, though. I think the first thing we ought to do is get you cleaned up...right? Then...maybe you can lay down for a little bit. How does that sound?

[Experimentally, Ryou tries to shift back, to pull away so he can maybe sneak away and get a damp cloth to dab Atem's face clean. But, if Atem doesn't let him go, he'll change his plans around.]

[He nods, mutely, accepting that and agreeing to it.

He pulls back enough to get a cloth kerchief out of a pocket -- as useful as a multitool, for crying, spills, injuries -- and will turn away, to start drying his face, and clearing his nose. Ryou can certainly slip off for a warm wet cloth -- it'll be soothing and appreciated, and it'll give him a chance to blow his nose in semi-privacy.]

[Good. At least Atem's being compliant enough there. Ryou does indeed slip away for a few moments, shuffling around in a nook so small it could barely qualify as a kitchen and returning with a cloth of his own, appropriately warmed and damp.

It's easier than it really should be, to go with the flow of it all and clean up Atem's face with a soft touch. Ryou's had time on his own to think...so maybe that's what really matters in this case. Maybe that's why it's easier to fall into taking care of Atem.

Seeking a little less of a serious topic, Ryou awkwardly murmurs a question.]

So, um...how has Tybolt been...?

[He quietly submits to the care -- it's soothing, it always is, to let someone else clean his face or hair. Atem never feels entitled to it, but being put in order by someone trusted has a pretty high chance of putting him at ease. His breathing finally, properly slows down, and the warmth helps clear his nose and sinuses.

Crying is terrible. He never wants to do it again. If he were a shade, he would never spend the energy trying to make a body as realistic as possible, just so that he would never have to deal with a stuffy nose and puffy face.]

Um...

[Ryou asks him that question, and Atem draws a deep breath. His voice is still a little funny, but mostly steady, and he's able to answer the question.]

...he's been okay. I've been staying at Hill House...I think he likes the grass.

Ah...well, I'm glad that he was safe.

...You too, of course, but...he's just a baby. I wouldn't have wanted him to come to harm during what happened.

[Given their interaction when Ryou was half-crazed from the red haze, it probably didn't seem like it to Atem. But...Ryou had truly been trying not to harm him or Tybolt, as best he could in a situation that was meant to make him attack without holding back.

He didn't want to hurt Tybolt...and deep down, he really didn't want to hurt Atem either, did he?

Ryou lingers on Atem's left cheek, and he can't help but look into his eyes with a nonetheless faraway expression.]

T...though if Tybolt likes the grass, maybe we could figure something out for him. Something...better.

[He gives a nod, at "safe." Tybolt was okay. Ryou hadn't attacked them...they hadn't had to fight. Something about that prickles at the back of Atem's mind, but he's not sure what it means, and he's too exhausted to run more than one thought track at once right now, so it's filed away to be examined later. What's odd about how Ryou and I met last week? Right now, he has to think about what Ryou's suggesting.]

...do you mean....moving?

[Atem had been prepared to move out, and that's the honest truth. He'd been ready to live at Hill House, removed and insulated from the events that affect Bavan, rather than specifically monsters, and plot Armageddon.

He...

...can't argue that he's so attached to the 38-8 that he wouldn't be willing to move somewhere better. Between interpersonal difficulties, moves away, and disappearances, the 8th floor isn't the home it used to be. And, though they put a lot of work into the apartment, it's not anything they couldn't do somewhere else, with a yard, or a garden. His eyes flick up to Ryou's, and then away.]

...I have to admit, it was nice to see him enjoy having more space. We...could probably do better, for him, than a small life in a small apartment.

Mmh...maybe. He's a lion...kind of a lazy one, but maybe he'd like it in a more natural environment than what the apartment offers. It's like you said, he enjoyed his time...at Hill House.

[Once Ryou's satisfied that he can't get Atem's face any cleaner, he nods to himself, then reaches a hand out, offering it to Atem.]

Come...my bed probably isn't as fancy as yours, I didn't ask for Her to give me such a home here, but...it should be comfortable.

[Comfortable enough, at least. They can't stay at this table forever...and Ryou's worn out, though not from crying like Atem. His tiredness is in having to deal with what all of this means, or doesn't mean, or might mean...and adding moving onto it just made it a little heavier.

Kind of...

Moving...is it really so bad? He has to really wonder.]

[Maybe. Maybe, they can...move out of the apartment, and...into a different stage of their lives. They made a lot of mistakes in that apartment, and suffered a lot of pain, but also learned a lot...

...so, maybe, in a new house, they can make the changes they need to make, to...work. To work, after they've both been shattered and shattered again, with new cracks to be mindful of, and new weak points, that they didn't have, before.

(How much longer can they survive, at this rate.....?)

But, instead of ruminating on that upsetting question, Atem takes Ryou's hand, small nearly-human fingers in overlarge monstrous ones, and gets to his feet.

He'll follow Ryou to bed, trying not to get too lost in his own thoughts. They are, right now, still alive, and still able to think, and be recognizably themselves; they're not ground to dust yet. Worrying about the future, if they'll be dust one day, just takes away from the time they have right now, before that happens...so, he's going to put that aside. He squeezes Ryou's hand a little tighter, letting the sensation keep him in the present. He needs to be in the present.]

[It's sometimes very sobering, to have Atem's hand in his own. So small...so easy and light to hold.

But Ryou doesn't feel as if he needs to be careful. Even as he leads Atem onward, he keeps a grip that's reasonably firm, but still comfortable for them both. Distantly, he thinks to himself that he's not going to let go so easily, even if...it's painful.

It's not right, to give up so easily. It means everything he's ever invested in this relationship meant nothing, right? He can't do that...

Once they get to Ryou's bed, Ryou lets Atem get comfortable, however he likes, and depending on whether it feels right, he'll crawl in himself before Atem has a chance to doze off, but he doesn't gravitate towards Atem immediately.

...Regardless, Ryou ends up in bed as well, and somehow ends up curled away from Atem not because he wants distance, but because he's used to being the little spoon when they sleep together which is honestly hilarious given how tall he is. It's an unwritten invitation, though he can't really control his tail curling around one of Atem's legs. Tail's got a mind of its own.

Ryou is not gonna be the first one up. Dyster is too comfortable, and being in bed with someone again is equally comfortable to someone who is chronically lonely when left to his own devices. When he feels Atem shift though...he'll stir.]

[Atem absolutely looked directly at him, if Ryou hesitated over getting into bed, with a look that said, what are you doing? get in.

And honestly, if Ryou hadn't kept away initially, Atem would have gotten closer, slithered into arms, seeking out warmth in Dyster's foggy clamminess as well as emotional closeness, because the last 24 hours on the heels of the last two weeks on the heels of the last two and a half months have left his heart and soul raw. When Ryou turns away, though, Atem's willing to accept it, he inflicted the hurt here, no matter what the difficulty he was going through was...

...until the tail curls around his leg, and, after only a moment more of hesitation, Atem curls up against Ryou's back. His arms don't go around, they stay tight to his chest, but his front presses in, and eventually, hands grip Ryou's shirt lightly.

He sleeps restlessly -- he'll wake up several times, sit in the dark staring at Ryou's back for ten or fifteen minutes, then drift off again. It'll be easy to tell when Atem's asleep, though: this temp half-snores, his breaths softly audible when he's asleep without being a full honking snore.

...it also usually has him sleep sprawled out, relaxed and comfortable and a little messy, but he stays curled in and compact all night.

He wakes up a final time, and judges himself rested enough, if imperfectly. He's quiet a minute, thinking things over, then quietly speaks up, because he suspects...]

You're awake...?

Mmh...yes.

[Ryou still sounds a little groggy, but...he's been awake for a little while. So he turns to face Atem, and his eyes with their blank irises and pupils courtesy of the Fog give away his uncertainty.]

Did you sleep alright...?

[...he doesn't want to lie about something so trivial.]

Mm...

...I think...I'm still getting used to all of this. I haven't...sorted it out yet.

[To use some slang that he's picked up since coming here:]

It's a lot.

So, I'm restless...

That makes sense...

[Ryou reaches a hand out, the backs of his fingers ghosting along Atem's cheek.]

It's going to take more than a nap to sort any of this out. But we have time. We know the schedule to this place, and nothing's going to happen for a while. So...if you want to talk, or wait, either is fine with me.

I'll listen. I'll do what I can to help, too.

[Ryou thinks to himself, but I won't hold back like I used to.

He can't hold back. It would be wrong, and untrue to himself.]

[He lowers his eyes. He's not sure...he's not sure he's ready. He's not sure he's up to...talking about why he was hurt, yet.

Which reminds him...]

Are you sure...

If there's something you need right now, and you're ignoring it for me...

...will it bother you later? That you didn't get the time you needed, because of me.

IC Inbox | ryslig

self harm, false memory discussion

this tag has the same energy as changing your relationship status to "it's complicated"

cw apocalypse-suicide ideaton, negative self talk

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cw reference to medical horror

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cw anxiety, but not an anxiety attack. anxiety, in defense mode.

it's time to t-t-t-t-t-t-timeskip. god i should be sleeping.

sleep!!!

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cw unreality, drowning metaphor

AFTER 84 YEARS...

cw mention of substance use

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 * WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard>** I will get back to you as soon as possible.