softspokenlandlord | IC Inbox

[Ryou does the equivalent of a verbal keysmash right before Atem kisses him, but the not-words fade back down his throat at that point because...kissing. His fingers clench in the bedsheets as he returns the kiss, even going so far as to part his lips very subtly in invitation.

Atem, you suck. You're winding him up again and you're not even trying, are you?! Actually, Ryou's probably the one that sucks, since he's subconsciously using the entire affair as a distraction from his general sadness. But...he'd totally kiss his boyfriend otherwise, there's just a much needier edge to it right now.

He may...also die when Atem mentions that they're married in the eyes of all the Egyptians. That might be what pushes him over the edge and makes him an actual ghost, thanks. But that isn't even a concern yet. They'd cross that bridge when they got to it.]

[...well, okay. If Ryou's going to open his mouth, then the kiss doesn't have to be over right away. Atem doesn't have to breathe, and when he's kissing it's easy to forget about it, but right now, the kind of contentment he feels makes him sigh the air that is still in his lungs out.

The fingers at Ryou's chin drift along his jaw and down to the back of his neck, like they often do -- but this time, they brush over a collar. Ah, he'd almost forgotten Ryou was wearing that -- that he's in Atem's clothes, that wearing something of his makes Ryou feel better, and that Atem likes that. Something about it being on Ryou's neck, too...

There's a slight inhale. Then, his hand goes all the way around the back of Ryou's neck, and the kiss deepens. The mood shifts; the way Atem moves is different, more intent. A drive behind it that wasn't there before definitely is now, and "warn Ryou that their friends might make this awkward" gets relegated to the back burner. Awkward conversation later, pursue this now.]

[Yes. This is exactly what he wants, and what he needs. He hums in the back of his throat, more at the feeling of Atem's fingers tracing along his skin than the actual kiss at this point. He can tell that the energy in the room immediately shifts when contact is made with the collar though. It means more to the both of them than either is letting on--it's not just something to hide a scar.

Ryou...kind of wants to know what else it signifies between them at this point. He'll happily figure it out now, later, whenever, just so long as they could keep kissing and forget everything around them. Nothing else matters.

While one hand says buried in the sheets, the other moves up, pressing to Atem's chest and then mapping a pathway down. He wants to feel more...he wants to pull Atem closer, urgently, but instead settles his arm around Atem's upper back, not gripping. Just...settling.]

[Finally.

Finally, there's...there's nothing in the way this time, is there? Not snake parts he's not had the chance to get used to, not a question of whether it's really okay to go further because they've sort of just gotten together and Ryou's adorably birthday-drunk, not a fog-form, or a recent loss...Atem's trying to think of a reason it might be right to hold back, and he's drawing a blank.

So, he doesn't. He doesn't see the need to stop, not as long as Ryou's basically telling him keep going, so Atem shifts so more of him is above Ryou, kisses him a little bit hungrier, brings fingers up to wind in Ryou's hair, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough for the pressure to give him control over the angle of the kiss, and for it to be felt. He lets the hand settling bring him down so his upper body is lying on Ryou's chest, freeing up the hand that was supporting him to reach under Ryou's arm and hook a hand over his shoulder. Breaks in the kiss come with pleased, light breaths -- he doesn't make any voiced sounds, he's quiet, but the quality of the breaths is positive. He doesn't have to breathe, but he is, because of this.

There's no reason to stop. Nothing's going to go wrong if he doesn't, if they don't want to stop. They can keep doing this as long as they like this time, and just see what happens when there's not one thing or another thing causing problems...]

[Finally is right. Ryou's wanted to be wrapped up in Atem and not have to worry about weird monster anatomy for a long, long time. They're...pretty vanilla monsters, all things considered. A vampire and a shade. The hardest part of being who they are probably revolves around biting and staying solid.

And Ryou can definitely stay solid for this, it's his most practiced skill. So when Atem presses close, he can feel it, the slightly cooler body pressed against his own, a comforting weight that grounds him through the euphoria of their actions. He's the one that needs to breathe between kisses, of course, but he wishes he didn't, because every second that their lips part is a second where the warmth that connects them is broken. And the fingers in his hair, oh do they feel nice. Ryou stays utterly pliant, moving as he's directed, his fingers curling against Atem's back. Now he's pulling him closer in earnest.

As he lays there, eyes closed and making enough pleased sounds to cover the both of them at this point, he thinks to himself that if they could just...go a little bit further, maybe they can actually forget everything bad, and that warmth that's building low in the pit of his abdomen can finally go just a little further.

But of course, there's something else at work here. A different type of need--a hunger that has nothing to do with his current emotional state. Something that he's been fortunate enough not to give away. Or at least he doesn't think Atem knows? Ryou's the homebody, after all.]

[He'll know now though, because while they're busy making out and feeling each other over, Ryou's body suddenly stiffens and his stomach lets out a frankly uproarious noise, reminding him that he's been putting off something kind of important and ruining his biological equilibrium.

He freezes immediately, mid-kiss. Oh no. Oh NO, Atem's laying on top of him, surely he heard that and felt it and now...it was going to be awkward. He was going to have to explain this wasn't he? Please just don't say anything, Atem. He'd literally pay you good money to pretend that didn't happen, sir.

God. Fucking. Damn it.]

[--what the hell...?

For a second, Atem wonders if Ryou is sick. He pulls back, coming back to earth through the haze of anticipation that's been cut abruptly short, looking Ryou dead in the face, trying to figure out what that was.]

...are you okay?

[That's not a romantic are-you-okay-with-this-before-we-keep-going. That's a that noise was concerning and we live in a horror game; please tell me something that looks like it's from Alien isn't about to explode out of you.]

[Concern is fair. Concern is very fair actually, but it only makes Ryou want to shrink away into nothing. There's a definite fade in his visibility, actually, that only manifests when he's outrageously embarrassed.]

Yes, I'm...I'm fine, I just...

[He winces, because oof, this kind of hurts now. He...feels so empty and hungry, even if it's not that hunger, and now he has to explain it. Ryou doesn't know how to explain it well though.]

...I've almost always eaten normal food, I guess...even when I didn't really have a home here. So even though I'm not hungry for souls...I guess my body's used to snacks. Um. A-and I just keep being too busy to...snack.

It'll go away eventually, it's just an unnecessary bodily function that needs to turn off! I just need to wait it out.

[He anticipates the implicit Ryou why the fuck? but even if he's asked, there isn't a satisfactory answer. Just like that "explanation."]

S-sorry. We were having a nice time...

[Ryou, what the fuck.

Maybe if he hadn't lived with Ryou for five months, he wouldn't know this was absolute bullshit. Ryou Bakura doesn't get too busy to eat. If it had been a case of regular food becoming harder on his system, so after his death he switched to souls only for a while, that would have made sense. Been a little sad, but made sense. This, though? Where his body actively wants food but he's not eating?

Buddy.]

...is that really what you want? To stop eating normal food?

[Doubt. Doubt, you gay little creampuff.]

[Ryou glances down...then away. His stomach doesn't just hurt now, it's twisting itself in knots, and maybe some of that's because of the hunger, but a part of it is that now, his time with Atem is being dedicated to the one thing he doesn't want it dedicated to.

Their fight was hard on him. It was probably hard on Atem too. It was a flashbang of superheated emotions that had caused pain, and then they'd reconciled a bit over it, let it drop away, and moved on. That's what he thought. So he kept everything sharp and painful buried inside and every time his brain tried to sort it out he cut himself on the edges. The fight was a beveled point, one that discomforted him but could be avoided.

The razor-sharp, barbed spears that tore him from the inside out were all concerning last month: old memories, his death, and then the healing that had hurt and terrified him...all of that was terrible and hard to deal with.]

I'll be okay.

[That's not an answer. Ryou knows it isn't, but how does he tell Atem that his mind is so congested with upsetting thoughts that even when he throws himself into building the board, cleaning the house, entertaining and caring for Tybolt...he can't find the time to allow himself to eat?

...It hadn't been on purpose at first.

When the first hunger pang reminded him that it'd been over half a day since his last meal, Ryou had been surprised, and gone to the fridge for something simple. There was a half-crepe he'd bought before the mid-month fog, the fruit soft and overripe, since he'd been gone so long. So he'd thrown it out and looked in the cabinets...and decided he didn't want anything. He wasn't in the mood to cook, or even open a can of something premade.]

It's better, right? We don't need to have all these extra groceries.

[They didn't have that many, though. The only groceries they had were the ones he'd bought as a child, because Ryou hadn't gone shopping since he'd come back. The only baking he'd done was for Mukuro, and it had been hard because he wanted to make a cupcake for himself, to eat something and solve the problem he was making for himself.

But he couldn't bring himself to. So he slept it off instead.]

I just need a break, that's all. And you've been bringing humans for me to consume anyway. Don't worry! I know it was jarring, I didn't expect this to last for so long, or interrupt what we were doing.

[When he says that, he turns back to Atem, and he's smiling, awkwardly. Placatingly, but with its own sort of surface honesty. Ryou doesn't want to hurt Atem's feelings, but he's also fighting with the fact that he's not eating for a stupid, personal reason that he doesn't want to bring up, because it's deeply personal and not important to anyone.]

Ryou.

[They're going to have this conversation with Atem half-on top of Ryou. That's fine. He doesn't mind. It makes it easier for Atem to take the side of Ryou's face, gently, and look deep into him.]

Why aren't you letting yourself have something you like?

[Ryslig's a marathon, not a sprint. _{(He's been sprinting it, or rather, running a marathon at a sprint's pace, since July.)} If you want to last there, and protect your heart, and keep your humanity, you have to find things that make you happy. _{(He's missed being around his friends, and he's unhappy about it.)} If you don't, you start to hate it. _{(He hates what this place has done to Ryou, and what it will do to Yugi.)} You get desperate. _{(He'd do anything to get them out.)}

Giving up something this simple, this easy, something that he's seen Ryou use to comfort himself before...that's a sign that something's much more wrong than Atem suspected. _{(Is he failing Ryou, too?)} So, he's going to reach for an answer.

His eyes flick over Ryou's face, caring, concerned. What's hurting? Is there something you feel bad about? Tell me.]

[Oh...

Ryou's heart feels like someone's got their fingers around it, squeezing so hard he can't think. Atem looking at him like that is almost too much, because Ryou knows he cares and he wants to tell him...but he's already hurt Atem so much just by being so unlucky, and then by spitting in his face over his efforts to make Ryou comfortable when he revived.

He can't...he can't tell him. But he can lean into that touch, while trying not to set his jaw and failing miserably.]

There's a lot on my mind, Atem. I just want to...I want to build the Monster World board, and not go outside or worry if someone's going to see what misfortune I've suffered and feel bad for me.

Please...I'm sorry, alright? This is something I chose to do, and I should have told you.

[He chose to make a void in himself so that the other void didn't consume him. Not that he could say that.]

It's nothing anyone made me do, or that anyone can help. As long as I'm eating souls, this discomfort will pass.

[He's not ready for it to. When it does...what'll be left for him to think about but the Ring pulsing painfully just below his skin? The jaws of a living beartrap closed around his head? The emptiness of sensory deprivation when you have no skull?

...The fear that he's going to push the people he cares about away because he's too much to bear? No one can help him. Not without being hurt first. He'd proven that by telling Atem off.

Never again.]

[Something's terribly wrong.

He lets Ryou lean into the touch, stroking his face gently with his thumb and the tips of his fingers as he talks. Shh, relax that jaw.]

Ryou, do you remember what you told me in June, about how this place smashes us up, and we have to put ourselves together again?

You've been hit hard this time. In a way you haven't been hurt before. I promised I'd help put you back together, before the next attack came. We were going to support each other, remember?

[They were. Ryou was there for him, when Atem got caught unexpectedly by a snake-shed. That had helped a lot...that had mattered. But, now, Atem's facing what Yugi's going to have to do, something he dreads so much that he'd take going home at the moment of his own death and never seeing Anzu or Jounouchi or Honda again over forcing Yugi to take someone else's soul, and Ryou's too upset by something else to hear about it. Atem can't talk about how he feels about his own permanent death and whether or not he wants to go through with it, eirher, because Ryou's been hurt so badly that he won't eat. Ryou isn't comforting himself, which means he has to be helped, so that whatever meter drove Javert and Daniel and maybe even Fabius to what they did doesn't run out for Ryou, too.

Atem can keep going a while longer.]

Please, will you tell me what's on your mind? Whatever it is, I'll understand.

...It's always me, isn't it? Don't you get tired...? You're always supporting me, Atem.

[Ryou closes his eyes, and he stays silent for a long moment after he says that. He has to think about what he's going to say. Atem is asking something of him that he can't give. He doesn't want the good and the bad to mix ever again, but if he closes Atem out, then...it's just as bad.

He hates this. He absolutely hates how something as stupid as an idiot shade's stomach growling could give this much away. Ryou really doesn't know how to take care of himself. He's leaned so hard on Atem that now they're back here, at the game metaphor he'd used months ago.

Ryou will never be better. He'll never be able to support Atem like he is himself being supported.

So...for Atem, he compromises. He owes him that much.]

You saw a great many things while we were children, didn't you. Terrible, awful things. About Marik, and about...me. Atem, I don't want to think about those things. They make me sad. I don't want to eat because I'm...sad about these things. My role in what has happened to me is upsetting, and I don't feel like indulging when I'm upset.

[It's a fair compromise. He's not telling a lie...but he's not telling the whole truth.]

I love you, and I don't want to put more on you. You're...already doing so much. When you come home, I want you to be able to come into my arms and feel secure in the fact that you can rest. So please, don't worry about me. I've already told you, all these things will pass.

Let me be of comfort. Don't let me be another puzzle you have to solve.

[He has no idea what Atem's thinking. He doesn't even know if saying this will help. It's couched in him trying to minimize how he feels...but also in trying to set Atem's mind at ease...]

[Ryou's eyes close, and Atem lets some of what he's feeling show on his face. His eyes twitch closed, squeeze shut, and his mouth presses together tightly. It's just for a moment, but -- it hurts to hear it said. Don't you get tired?

He does.

But what can he say, that's going to help...?]

...I love you, too.

[He kisses the corner of Ryou's mouth.]

And you are comforting. I never feel better than I do when I'm with you. It's the nicest feeling in the world...

...but when you don't take care of yourself, I'm going to worry about you!

[He gets a firmer grip on the side of Ryou's face, brings their foreheads together.]

You're too important to me to lose. I'll solve you if I have to, if that's what it takes -- if you're too hurt to solve yourself, then I'll be there. I saw what happened in your past. I know what happened to you was terrible. But why are those memories making you hurt yourself?

[His mouth's running, a little bit. His control over what will help? is slipping.]

Don't you know that you're a part of my heart? That when you get hurt, it hurts me, too?

[Ryou doesn't want to look at Atem, but he has to open his eyes and look at him when he's pulled closer and their foreheads are touching, because a little of that terrible pressure is relieved when Atem says "I love you, too."

Atem is such a sweet person around him. And Ryou knows that it is for him, because he's seen the way Atem acts on the network, seen the facade he puts up in public when it comes to dealing with dangerous people.

With little warning at all, Ryou wraps both arms around Atem, holding him tightly. He's a precious part of Ryou's life who is putting far too much of himself into it.

He hates himself intensely when he finally speaks again.]

When I'm alone there's nothing but cold and dark inside. It isn't physical, but it still frightens me. I forgot to take care of myself over it. Then I realized that one emptiness relieves another. When I'm hungry, it's distracting, and then I can worry about something different.

So...it's okay! It's alright!

[If it's so okay, then why are his fingers curling in, gripping at Atem's shirt as if he doesn't want to let go? Why are his ears angled down, and his pointed teeth worrying the inside of his cheek?]

I don't want you to solve this puzzle. I have to...I have to do it myself! You're not my keeper, Atem. You're my boyfriend! I can't hurt you for making the only move you can, not again. You're the most important part of my life. D-do you understand?

[And there it is. In so many jumbled words, the problem was "I never want to fight with you again. I never want to be ungrateful."]

[Oh, no. Ryou...Ryou sure has a particularly bad reaction to death, dosn't he? Atem's been through it so many times that all it takes for him to bounce back is, apparently, one person being there and being kind to him through it.

But what Ryou says after that, it...

...it helps, a little bit? It helps that Ryou does want to do this himself, that Atem isn't his keeper.

Trying to be...has been hard.

There's a slight relaxing, in the muscles of Atem's back, under Ryou's claws. Arms wrap around Ryou's shoulders, too, holding him back.]

It's okay...it's okay, to fight. Even people who care about each other a lot...fight, sometimes. Especially if they're hurting.

Fighting doesn't mean I don't love you, or won't forgive you. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt you, too. But...I warned you when this started, didn't I? That I wasn't sure I'd be good at this. That we might hurt each other. That I might not be perfect.

[oooooops that control's slipping again. He's tired, he's so tired, and his mouth is moving, and he can't stop it.]

I'm not perfect, Ryou. I lose sometimes. I guess wrong! I'm afraid -- I'm afraid of letting down the people who matter most, and I keep--! [He keeps not being able to protect them. Admitting this -- admitting fears -- probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the monster last month.] I'm afraid that if I don't help you...you'll...you'll just hurt, and it won't get better, and you'll either escape into a dream, or you'll despair, like other monsters despair, and do something desperate because you can't stand it here and end up in the prison!

[The thing is...he doesn't want to not have faith in Ryou, but he's also worried. October's going to be hard. Can Ryou...can Ryou do this on his own, and be thinking straight in time for the October fog, and what comes with it?

He holds Ryou tighter.]

I need you. I need you to solve this. I don't think starving yourself until you don't eat anymore is the answer, but I can't fix it for you. All I can do is tell you what I think, and...and hope it's right.

Losing...is okay. This place is a giant no-win situation. We will always lose...but you shouldn't blame yourself for it, you know? Y-you don't have to be perfect all the time, Atem. Just being you...that's plenty perfect for me.

[Ryou speaks with such conviction at last, because he's realized something from Atem's words. He'd tipped his hand, and maybe that was on purpose...but Ryou doesn't think it is. Atem said he was afraid of letting people down.

Ryou knows this feeling.

And when it's not him, he can speak with the advisement he knows he should take himself. Now though, finally...he can do something. And surprisingly, it helps him too. So...once Atem's done speaking, Ryou catches his lips in a brief, but determined kiss. He's the one reaching out. He's the one threading his fingers in Atem's hair this time.

But he doesn't linger. Instead, he pulls back.]

Listen.

I'm not going anywhere. My heart is weak, this I know. But how could I ever give up so completely with you here? You're part of what makes me strong. You're just as much a part of my heart as I am yours. What you say matters to me, and if this problem I'm having is hurting you...t-then I'll fix it.

[His hands slip away, though one grips Atem's shoulder. It presses, encouraging him to move back.]

Let me show you. I can solve it myself, right now. Then you can know that I won't worry you. Not anymore.

[Atem moves back, understanding what's being asked with that pressure. He moves off of Ryou, still staying by his side but not lying back down -- he'll hold himself up with an arm, or sit up completely, matching whatever Ryou does.]

Show me.

[What's he going to do? Is it going to make things worse? No -- I have to trust him.

Atem's extending trust, choosing to have faith -- even when it isn't easy. He does trust the people he loves, unlucky or not. He's watching.]

[Ryou sits up once he's able, then moves to get up out of bed. This whole time...while Atem had been pressed close to him, he hadn't realized how much better he'd made Ryou feel. Now without the weight of the smaller monster against his abdomen...and with everything they'd discussed about how Ryou was hurting himself...he realized that being this hungry was pretty awful.

It hurt. It hurt a lot, and he'd just settled for that so he could quit thinking about something far more depressing. That, in and of itself, is pretty depressing, isn't it?

But he meant what he said. He was going to fix it. Atem didn't have to follow him, but...should he do so, he'll find that Ryou literally means what he's saying.

He walks determinedly towards the kitchen, to the pantry that had been sorely neglected...and there he pauses, settling his fingers over the cabinet door. He has to do this. He's going to do this, even despite the voice in the back of his head whispering that if he gives in now, the rest of the pain will find a place in his heart. His sad, weak little heart.

This isn't just about Ryou anymore though. It's about solving a problem so that Atem doesn't have to.

So...he opens the cabinet, reaches in, and pulls out a container of...admittedly pretty tasty looking cookies that he'd bought as a kid, shortly before...

...Well, it didn't matter. He sets that container on the counter, and stares at them for a long moment.]

[He does follow, his feet quiet on the floor, socks muffling his steps.

A hand slips into one of Ryou's from behind, offering support with a light squeeze.]

[Ryou flicks a sideways glance at Atem when he feels that, his eyes glowing brightly in the poorly lit room, and he offers a small smile before peeling the lid back.

Once the cookies are exposed to the air and Ryou can smell them, he swallows hard. The collar around his neck almost feels oppressive for just a moment.

Being faced with something he's wanted, that he'd told himself he can't have but is having anyway...it's kind of messing with his head. He's doing this to prove to Atem that he can solve his own problems, and by god he really, really wants the cookie! His mouth's watering and he can feel an odd tightening in his throat as if it's already trying to prepare for him shoving food into his mouth.

Is it okay? What if this makes it worse? It can't, right? It's...in his head. It's totally fine, right?

--No. Stop. He can't think about it long enough to talk himself out of this. He's not alone. He has someone here whose expectations he has to meet. And...it's not just expectations. He's being supported in this, just for doing it. Right?

So before he can mind calculus his way out of it, he shoves the cookie into his mouth.

And regrets it instantly oh my god so sweet...!]

Mmngh!

[Ryou doesn't spit it out, but boy does the ultra-sweet flavor make his whole jaw hurt. He hasn't had food in days, now it tastes overpowering. He puts his hand over his mouth as he chews, and eventually he can just...enjoy it. And he does...he'd missed it so much...

He eventually takes another cookie, and he's not shy about eating it as well. Maybe he should eat something more balanced before he gives himself a stomachache, but at least if he did, it wouldn't be the same as that gnawing, terrible hunger he'd been dealing with of his own choice. Idiot. Big, stupid idiot.]

[He saw that it was painful -- he's worried a moment that it's more than just the flavor, what if it's already too late, and Ryou can never eat again...!

But it seems to be okay, after a minute. Around cookie two is when Atem hops up on the counter to sit, to be closer to eye-level. He'll stay in contact with Ryou, a hand on his shoulder or upper arm, just because...

...because, while Atem could be beating himself up for having missed this, instead, he feels relief that Ryou's over this grief hurdle. Just because you died is no reason to act like you're dead.]

Is it all right?

[--he says, as he pets his boyfriend while he eats sweets.]

[Ryou only slows down after about the fifth cookie, but he notices Atem taking a seat on the counter, how could he not? That's fine, it's better if they can look at each other on even footing. But what makes Ryou finally pause in what he's doing isn't that. It's not even the touch.

It's the words. Is it all right?

That's a good question and Ryou wants to say yes, the cookies are good, he loves the filling in the center and he missed the taste of sweet things so much. Eating this many cookies was definitely dumb.

But somehow, his brain interprets Atem's words as "are you all right?" and he feels his breath catch in his throat. That's not what Atem said at all! It's...he's talking about the cookies...]

Y-yes, it's...mmh...

[If you enjoyed petting your boyfriend before, try it now, when he presses his face into your shoulder, sir.

Ryou is definitely feeling some kind of way right now that has very little to do with how delicious these cookies are.]

[Atem's...not positive if this sudden swell of emotion is good or bad, if it's happiness or sadness, if it's love or guilt. Not yet. But either way, his response is the same: he tilts his head in, pressing his cheek to the top of Ryou's head, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and taking a deep breath. The other hand pets Ryou's hair, slowly and gently, a little like he handles Ryou's fog form.]

...want to spend the night together later? When we wake up.

[It's true he's got things to do. He's working on a trap for the person he's picked, for Yugi. Marik's working with him. But....

...that can wait 24 hours. It'd be nice to...take a little bit of a break. While, you know, he can...before he has to do to Yugi what he's going to do, before Yugi's hunger gets unbearable, before October's fog. As soon as the fog hits, they'll be in a crisis, and once it's over, who knows what kind of recovery, what kind of care, they'll both need...now might be the time, for that date he promised.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 * WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard>** I will get back to you as soon as possible.

IC Inbox | ryslig

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1/2 these poor bastards are doomed

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slaps a CW on this thread for disordered eating

aw shit you're right. cw disordered eating...plus depression

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cw self harm itt also, and self sacrifice ideation

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cw self harm discussion

cw self harm, disordered eating, depression

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