Ryou Bakura (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
softspokenlandlord) wrote2020-11-18 01:10 am
softspokenlandlord) wrote2020-11-18 01:10 am
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ryslig
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, WhiteWizard. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 007.80.751.19 *** WhiteWizard has joined 007.80.751.19 <WhiteWizard> Hello, this is Ryou Bakura! <WhiteWizard> Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. :) <WhiteWizard> I will get back to you as soon as possible. | ||||
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Looks like it.
[He opens the door fully, and steps out of the way.]
I shouldn't crack a joke about needing an invitation....but you are welcome to come in!
[Guess who ran into that invitation restriction really early and dislikes it a ton? Also, guess who copes with "I'm a creature of darkness with powers that scare me" by taking it all in stride and skimming over the top like he's got a handle on all of it? Hint: it's the same guy.]
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[Ryou is a mess. That's pretty clear. But as he walks inside the other Yugi's apartment, he notices the sander and tape that he hadn't really been paying attention to before. He...makes a note to ask about it later, but maaaaybe he shouldn't lead with it.]
I take it you had problems entering places? There's always something to get used to besides your changes, I guess. Well, as far as I'm concerned, you have pre-visit invitation rights to my place, if it matters.
[He turns to the other Yugi, standing practically at attention with one arm gripping the other awkwardly. He's just...standing pretty uselessly in the-near middle of the room like he's waiting to be told off or something.]
Anyway, I know...you said you don't want to talk about the dying thing. I understand. [boy does he understand avoiding things...] Is there anything you would like to do in the meantime? We could, um. Well, ah. We could talk about...what...it was like for us before. In the alternate universe.
[He's calling it what it is. He knows what an AU is, alright? He does absolutely nerdy tabletop stuff, among other things. Not that he wants to discuss it at all, it makes his nonexistent skin crawl to consider it all. Oh. What if the other Yugi feels the same?]
Or! We could discuss games. Play a game? Anything really.
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[He sees Ryou's uncomfortable body language, hears him jump from subject to subject, tired and uncertain and the other Yugi takes charge of the conversation. He can't really ask if he can get Ryou anything; he's not sure how to make a shade comfortable! But he can fill the silence. The other Yugi crosses to a small table by one of the open windows and takes an easy seat in one of the two chairs; he makes a gesture inviting Ryou to take a seat, if he likes.
There's still that weird tension, though, that mania below the surface, as though he's way too awake, as though he's watching everything.]
Where is your place? I don't think I got your address last time...it's not where it was in the other world, is it?
i feel like i should have thrown a cw: anxiety a few tags back whoops
He's fairly certain that shapeshifting yourself until you faint is bad guest manners. So he just...kind of crosses his arms on his lap and curls his too-long fingers inward. He glances at the other Yugi, but a little off the side. He finds that sometimes staring dead on with his glowing eyes can be, uh. Unsettling.
All the same, he's actually looking into his friend's eyes directly. It might not look it, but he's...searching that expression. Trying to figure out whether he's actually okay.
The answer is no, of course. Their network conversation was a blatant admittance of such. But...he's not sure if he should press, or if he even has the nerve.
That question though. Ohhhh, that question. Not a good one. Ryou doesn't want to think about the other place.]
No it's not. I don't even know where that was.
[He blurts out the words so quickly, so stiffly, that it's clearly a sore point with him.]
The address, right? Um. It's not far from here, just a couple blocks.
[He doesn't offer it immediately. Instead he shifts uncomfortably in place, trying to figure out how to change this subject from something that's got his heart pounding in his ears, even if the other Yugi didn't mean it. Come on, Ryou. Be the adult...keep it together, he needs you to be a good friend!!]
I'll tell you the address later, I just need to think of it a little harder, it's too new to me. It was Noa's idea, you know? To have a place to stay.
[Okay, okay. He's having a conversation. Yes!]
Do you like it here at Hestia's? It looks roomy. Maybe I should have come here when I first arrived.
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If he finds the glowing eyes, or the scrutiny, upsetting, the other Yugi doesn't show it. His eyes are manic, the twist of his mouth a little insane, but his body language is deliberately relaxed.]
Hestia's is all right! It's pretty easy to live here. It's temporary, though -- I'd like to find my feet here and get a place that's more mine. Even if it's group housing, the neighbors are pretty considerate...I know a few, but we don't talk much!
Noa...he sure works hard, doesn't he?
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[Ryou doesn't like this. He feels as if he's aimlessly wandering this conversation, seeking anything to grab onto so that he might be centered. That's not what he should be doing. He should be helping. In the other place, he'd been helpful. Yes, the thought of that makes his breathing quicken because it reminds him what he isn't sure of. But he also uses it as an excuse to switch topics to something more...in the now.]
Ah, Yugi? I know...you don't want to talk about what happened to you, and that's very understandable but I think you asked me here for a reason.
[Did he suss out the other Yugi's actual intention, then? Had he realized the ploy??]
You look very...on edge.
[...nope! He's none the wiser to the trick. He's just concerned for who he hopes is his friend.]
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Do I?
[That's the expression of someone who has never noticed his own crazyface.
...the fact that he doesn't have a reflection anymore might have something to do with it -- the window next to the table reflects the whole room, since it's well-lit inside but dark out, but the other Yugi doesn't show up in the image -- but also, he's. He wouldn't have noticed it even if he did. Oops.
He takes a second to consider: is he acting different? How?]
...I suppose I'm determined. I swore to Daniel I'd make him pay for what he did, and on top of that, he had my puzzle. I tried for a week to find him. I couldn't think about anything else!
[He supposes that's what it feels like to be a vengeful ghost, dying with unfinished business.]
Now that I've got the puzzle back, and matters are settled with him...what comes next is making sure it doesn't happen again. I'm changing my circumstances, taking precautions, making it much harder to catch me off-guard! I know there's things that happen here that I can't predict. But I plan to avoid what I can, and make sure I have more options when things get bad.
[He'd played so carelessly at the beginning, he's practically embarrassed. Nope. No more of that. Amass resources. Grind away at the mini-games. Fill your inventory with dead man switches and blood. Secure your position. Play better, play to win.
He and Adam agree on one thing, and that's that a break is the first move in billiards. What do you mean there's another meaning?]
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But that's just how he thinks of things, after all. Like a larger-than-life board game that you need to think ten moves ahead for.
The shade reaches a hand forward, as if he instinctively wished to make contact...but he stopped just short of it, simply flattening his too-large hand and fingers on the table. This isn't Adam. Hell, he's not even sure if this is real friendship, or if their current relationship is simply based on a connection from back home. A connection which Ryou had been the one to bring up. A connection that, quite frankly, was in absolute doubt in his mind not just because the other Yugi had no point of reference to go off of, but because when one is experiencing rampant imposter syndrome, nothing feels genuine.
But he's still here, still wanting to help, because if nothing else, he can't keep from believing that's part of who he is.]
Yugi, I think now that you've got your puzzle back and taken your revenge, maybe it wouldn't hurt to take a couple steps back. You just turned into something new and with everything going on, maybe you just need to, erm. Decompress. And not plan so much in a short span.
[The unspoken line there is "you need a BREAK."]
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...I can't. I've only got so many days before something happens again. I need to get blood from the clinic and figure out how to store it in case whatever happens in April cuts me off from it. I need to use the casino to build up a supply of solars for whatever I might need them for! And the nights are getting shorter and shorter, and I can only go out in the day when there's fog or when the weather's bad. I don't have any time to lose!
[Make an insight check, Ryou. You get Advantage for knowing Adam, but decide if Ryou being in the state he's in is enough Disadvantage to cancel that out. All your regular bonuses apply. On a 15+, you can tell that what's driving him is fear. On a 20...you see insecurity. You see someone who made wrong calls during his first month and a half, and who paid for them, and who blames himself for them happening to him. You see someone who was never meant to feel powerless, but who was placed in a situation where he was totally helpless. You see someone desperate to regain control over his own circumstances, and sincerely believes he can, if he just does better.
On a 10 or below he's just a workaholic.]
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A day.
Is that pity? No...not really pity in its rawest form. Ryou just feels a strong need to support his friend, and he's glad that being a Shade hadn't stripped that from him. He's not really sure where to start at this point though.]
Yugi. Listen. If you need help, I can assist you with any of that, but if you spend all your time doing it and end up tired anyway, then how prepared can you possibly end up?
[Remember. Ryou's a DM. He spends all his time planning things out for the enjoyment of others, and also plays both sides. Villain and support. Surprisingly, this is pulling him from the edge of a breakdown for the moment, because this is something he wants to do. Help. He knows what it's like to be stripped down to nothing but an anxious nerve, to question what you could have done differently to keep from suffering.
...So not a 20. But pretty high.]
You're going to run yourself ragged over something that you couldn't control, and then the next time it happens, nothing will change, because you're going to be stockpiled and ready while you're hardly able to stand and face it. Ryslig is an ugly place with misguided people, and the bad things won't stop. But more than solars and dead man switches, don't you think you could stand to lean on a friend?
[A pause. This next part isn't to guilt the other Yugi, despite what it sounds like. Ryou can't help but to ask it...because this is where his own heart is weak.]
Aren't we friends? Can't you depend on me?
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...
...that...makes a lot of sense. Ryou hits precisely the right notes, going from logic to acknowledgment of cold reality to reminding him that he does have friends to lean on, and that that's a source of strength.
The other Yugi doesn't think of himself as getting tired. That's something that happens to other people. But he's also used to being able to share the load of being a living person with someone else and only coming out to take care of the battles. He can't tag out and rest anymore, and he....hasn't thought of himself as needing to. But, of course, of course that'll happen, right? He'll be less effective if he's exhausted.
And he is tired. He has been working, and working alone, and it's...it's always nice to be reminded that he isn't. That's one of his favorite feelings in the world -- when he realizes there are other people by his side, who will fight with him. The Millennium Puzzle's power is unity; that means he's strongest when he's not alone.
He shuts his eyes, huffs a breath, and gives a tiny I've-been-an-idiot smile. Then, the other Yugi looks back up.]
Of course.
Of course we're friends, Bakura!
[it was silly, very silly of him to not count on that sooner.]
You're right -- if I spend all my time preparing for the worst, I'll be too tired to fight. I've still got things I want to do, but...they don't all have to happen right now.
And I don't have to do it alone. I know I can count on you.
[The next part kind of slips out, without him meaning for it to.]
Heh...I guess I'll have to figure out how to rest for myself...
[aw, shit. oops! that's a very weird way to put it when you are definitely a whole person and not a fragment of someone's soul / something that was in the puzzle]
Sorry! I know that's a weird thing to say, but it's the truth. I don't know...how I decompress. I've never had to!
[He totally thinks Bakura doesn't know about there being two Yugis. He figures the guy won't ask.]
mmm referencing that real name for a sec. :V
Which Ryou is the real Ryou? Which friendship is the one that matters?
Who are you? Why are you?
Adam? Or Atem? Which one? Which one is real?
Without realizing, Ryou brings his hands to the sides of his head, covering his ears. He should keep pressing to be supportive, but he doesn't know what to do. Everything's still too mixed up, he shouldn't have ever left his apartment. But if he hadn't...wouldn't the other Yugi just be making bad decisions for himself? He made a little difference, right? He'd never made that difference before, so why does his mind have to invalidate it.]
I'm sorry...I'm sorry. Please just. Give me a minute.
[If the other Yugi could just ignore the way he looked right now, that'd be great! It'll pass...right?]
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Bakura? Bakura!
What is it?
[Protectiveness creeps into that alarm, a fierce willingness to get involved in this.]
Someone hasn't hurt you, have they?
[Is there an ass he has to kick? That's the most pressing question on the other Yugi's mind -- because obviously, if someone's traumatized, it's someone else's fault, it's because something happened. Bakura's been on-edge, reluctant to respond, difficult to get hold of, and when the other Yugi filters that through his own experiences, it makes him fear that someone's done something terrible to Ryou, like how something terrible was done to him.]
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[He shakes his head, hating the attention this is getting him. The shadowy aura that he usually has under control spreads a little, like tiny flames licking at his outline.]
This is...it's his fault. [Surely it's Daniel he's talking about right?] I didn't ask to be changed into someone else! It's confusing enough just being the me before I came here.
[And there it is. Now that he's said it, Ryou knows the dam is broken, and whether the other Yugi intended for this to be what his day consisted of or not, he can't stop himself.]
I spent years being me with someone else in my head, alright? And that "someone else" is the one who caused trouble for people around me. I'd wake up without knowing what happened and others being so angry with me! They had the right!
[He finally looks up at the other Yugi and there's such a terrified look on his face. Like someone was holding a knife to his throat.]
I don't want more versions of me. I have to live here with someone wearing my face already, and he was here first so now he's deserving of it. Now, I have someone else who is me that had a business. With talent.
What do you do with that, Yugi? How do you deal with so many yous that overshadow the person you thought you were? How do you decide what's real?
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Those blackouts sound familiar.
It's his own hands that move closer, this time, across the table. The other Yugi sincerely does not care if that shadowy aura's dangerous. He's gonna get up in Ryou's space a little anyways, fully on his feet now.
The other Yugi doesn't consider what he did to be "causing trouble." He'd taken care of trouble! But even so, he remembers how frightened his other self had been...how scared he'd been of the blackouts, of his new friends leaving him when they found out, how he'd tried to hold the other Yugi back because he was scared of him...that had been difficult enough.
Ryou coming back to himself with the people around him angry instead of safe? The other Yugi can't even imagine living like that. That would have been terrible. To have not a friend in your heart, but an enemy...that kind of thing would definitely make someone look at him with the kind of fear the other Yugi's seeing.
With sympathy, and more gentleness than he's shown up till now:]
...having to live with someone else in your head, who caused trouble for you that you couldn't remember...that must have been hard, Bakura.
[Even though he's coming at it from the other side...he remembers Yugi's feelings. He's sympathetic to this.]
And it's even harder that some people here met him first, so they assume that appearance is him, not you. But that doesn't make him deserving of it. It's not a matter of deserving to be the one who looks like you because he ended up in Bavan first. Your face is your face.
[My face isn't my face. That feels true. This is Yugi's face. And if he's not Yugi...if he's something that came out of the Puzzle...then... He pushes that away.]
You've had to fight to have an identity here, haven't you? And another you around has made that harder. Harder to be you, separate from him.
[And because of that...Ryou's had trouble not just fading into the background. He feels like someone else already has his life, and he's not confident enough to reach out and take it back -- to fight for being Ryou, not the other Ryou. To fight the idea that only one of them gets to live life as them at a time.
...yeah okay he's definitely going to get in Ryou's space here, look right at him, directly in the glowing eyes.]
But I can see you. Right? I know you're here! You're someone who writes to his family, who puts other people before himself, and who's gonna put together a TTRPG table with me. You might have memories from other lives, and it's true that those might affect the way you feel about some things. But that's okay!
Those memories are a part of you. Not all of you -- but a piece. Things don't have to be "real" to be a part of us. Our dreams, the things we want, the things we dread...those aren't "real," they never happened. But they matter! They affect who we are, and what we do, and we're not less "us" because we have them.
It sounds like you could use a hand figuring out the rest, though. You want the part of you that's not dreams or fears, the part that's Ryou Bakura, to be stronger, don't you? Harder to push into the background, harder to overshadow.
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Because he's not the Ring-Spirit. Because he is Ryou Bakura. He wants friends and although he might slip to the shadows of their bond, he's still there right?
When he and the other Yugi's gazes meet, Ryou feels his chest tighten and his eyes widen, as if he's surprised to hear all of this. No, he's not surprised to hear it. He knows this Yugi nearly as well as the true Yugi, and those words do indeed strike a chord. Because he's right.
Ryou does want his identity. Not for anyone else's sake, but for himself. The stark reminder of how Diva had torn unwanted memories from Ryou's mind kicking and screaming still shakes him to his core. He was being honest then--he never wanted to think about that time again, when he had been used to murder. That Ryou Bakura was not in control and he hadn't been even after he was pulled back into the world he knew again, from the darkness that Diva had sent him to.]
No one here knows me enough to judge me for it, that's...really just me, isn't it? And they might never realize how hard it is to be separated. I don't even think he realizes why I struggle, and that's my fault as well.
[He passes his fingers across his face, to alleviate the stinging at the corners of his bright eyes.]
I've been hiding from everyone ever since what happened at the circus. I know you weren't here, Yugi, but it was terrible. I hurt so many people because I was driven mad by the effects of...it doesn't matter. It's not worth it to talk about who did it anymore.
The point is...you're right. You're right about how I feel, and...you're right about everything else you said about me. I want to do all those things you say, and I will continue to do what makes me myself. I think I lost sight of it in the face of everything that's happened here.
[The corner of his mouth twitches. It's not quite a smile, but it's not a frown either.]
Ha...I was supposed to comfort you, wasn't I?
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He looks at Ryou with sympathy, when he mentions the circus -- going mad, hurting others...that must have been terrible, too.
(At this point he still doesn't know Javert's in prison for the circus thing!)]
...I think we both needed someone to talk to.
[Because even though he was trying to get Ryou to tell him what was wrong...the other Yugi needed to hear the advice he got, too.
He wonders about it when Ryou says how hard it is to be separated. How close is what Ryou experienced to...to how he used to live?]
I might know a thing or two about finding yourself more alone in your head than you're used to. And not being sure about who you are, when you're not who you remember being.
[this dumb boy has no idea ryou already knows so he's confessing this like it's a real weird secret.]
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He actually smiles at the thought. It's...nice. He's always deeply touched that anyone wants to be his friend after the things he's done, though to be fair, the other Yugi doesn't know what Ryou's been host to.
And speaking of the past...]
Oh yes. Your bond was much more positive than the bond I had with my spirit, so I can understand you missing...
[He pauses, realizing he's spoken without thinking. But he can't very well leave the sentence without it's ending, so although he looks awkwardly away, he murmurs the name anyway.]
...Um. Yugi.
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The other Yugi hears that, and, uh, he sinks back down in his chair, because even though Ryou is from his future, he's called him Yugi all this time, and at first, that was fine and made sense because of course he was Yugi, and now it led him to guess that Ryou didn't know there were two of them.]
You know...? That there were -- [two of us, only that's not the truth anymore, is it?] -- that I was -- you knew I existed?
[w h o a.]
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To put it simply...it wasn't his place to bring it up.
It didn't mean that his knowledge existed in a vacuum though. He was there for the duel between Yugi and his longtime partner. He knew...and maybe he should have been more tactful after all.]
I knew you existed as an individual. We are friends, but I didn't want to press myself upon you, since I knew that you didn't really remember me. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. Your connections with the others--Yugi, Jonouchi, Anzu, Honda--those are your strongest bonds! That's why they stayed with you in February! It wasn't...my place, you see?
And...
Well, I thought you had quite enough to deal with, being here and all.
cw some real weird body dysphoria
He feels a little exposed, a little more seen than he thought he was before, and to someone very used to controlling what's known about him, it's a little frightening! But also...
...comforting? That he's known. That Bakura knew he was there, and they were still friends. Bakura is someone he chose to be friends with, and that means...there's trust.
What he's feeling is new, but bone-deep, trust. There's a queer thrill to it, like stepping out onto an invisible bridge, or reaching into a box you can't see into.]
If you knew about me, then we must have been close friends after all!
...
I'm glad.
The only other person who knows I'm...not the only one who's called Yugi...is Noa. He saw us, but he doesn't understand. Not really. He doesn't know...how hard it is to be separated...to suddenly be alone in your heart, for the first time you can remember...
[Ryou had a harder relationship with his...spirit? Is that what beings like him are called? --than Yugi and the other Yugi did. But he mentioned that it was hard on him for them to be apart, even if it had often been bad when they were together...
So, if anyone's going to understand how terribly alone he feels, it's Ryou. If anyone's going to recognize the hollow loneliness that creeps into the other Yugi's voice, it's him. He realized he couldn't trade places with his other self while Jounouchi was here, in February, and that had made it a little easier, and then all of his friends had become a part of him, and even if that had been painful, it had made him feel less incomplete for a while.
But they didn't stay. And here he is, alone in a body that's not even his, that's dead. It's a little sick, isn't it, that he's puppeteering Yugi's dead body, without him? That's how he feels, when there's nothing to ground him in his own flesh. If he's not Yugi, then he's a ghost in someone else's machine.
It must be hard for Ryou, too. To go from being the one the body belonged to....to being the ghost.]
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But he still cared, and being seen was so validating that he's...pretty sure he's going to get emotional over it. No, he can't. He'd opened this can of worms, it was time to own it.]
...Being alone in your head after always having someone there, for better or worse, is always very jarring. You wonder if a part of you is missing, or if that part represented something more important than you will ever be.
[He is...probably projecting but he doesn't realize. He doesn't know how hard he is on himself, being the shadow and not the caster of such. It had always been in his mind, of course. But being in Ryslig had made it a little too real.]
I wish Yugi was here, so that you didn't have to be alone. But rest assured that he doesn't define you. Maybe in time you may learn more about yourself in this place than you already have. And if you have any questions, then I'm here, alright? You can ask now, or later, and I'll tell you what I can. It's the least I can do after you've helped me figure things out.
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He does feel like Yugi is more important than he'll ever be. When the other Yugi awoke, he knew what he was alive for, what he was here to do, and that was to protect Yugi and what he cared about.
He'd been happy, when he was able to do that.
But, now, he's not even Yugi. He's something else, and it's only the acceptance he felt during Death-T that keeps him from feeling like an interloper.
Does he want to know about himself...?
He's honestly not sure. Adam's memories are still pressing close on his mind, interfering with his sense of self...how many 'him's is he going to end up with?
So, the other Yugi asks the practical question:]
How much do you know? About me.
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I know whatever the others told me after exploring your memory world and helping you to regain your name, but...I wasn't there for that. Because of it though, I do know your name.
[He's still extremely distraught that he was used, once again, to harm his friends, but this isn't the time to think about that. It wasn't a time to wonder whether maybe if Bobasa had just let him in, things wouldn't have gone differently since he wouldn't have been possessed one final time...]
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[He has a name.
He has a name, and it's not "Yugi". If the other Yugi still had a heartbeat, it'd be thrumming in his ears. As it is, he just feels dizzy. He's glad he's sitting down! The prospect of being named, named as someone not-Yugi, feels...
It feels big, and he's not certain why. Can't put his finger on it.
It must be because he's still wound up, from the confrontation with Daniel. The difference between Adam and the Yugi of darkness who punished the man who'd tortured and killed him is uncomfortable, like two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit together. His mind feels like a live wire, raw and exposed. Does he want to know more? Does he want to know now? If he doesn't hear about it now, will he miss his chance to learn it if Ryou, god forbid, disappears?
....while he doesn't want Ryou to go anywhere, the other Yugi, very guiltily, wouldn't mind not having to know more about what makes him distinct from Yugi Mutou. He doesn't want to be distinct. He liked being Yugi.
But as long as Ryou's here, the other Yugi can't turn his back on the truth. He can't pretend he never found this out. So, he chooses his next question carefully, to assuage at least one of the worries the conversation with Noa had left him with. He raises his eyes to Ryou's.]
...if I am not Yugi, then what am I?
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